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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain. [/quote]

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”[/quote]

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate [/quote]

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that. [/quote]

Lol, right?  That person’s kids also buy their own clothes.  
They can’t bake cookies though…
[/quote]

By the time they are 13 they are buying their own clothes. They have a budget and if they want to do in store shopping they tell us if they want a ride

Younger kids are capable of being told go to your room and get a red sweater or a green shirt

[/quote]

You just think you have all the answers! But oops! No red dress. Or that green shirt from last year is now 2 sizes too small. What now super mom?[/quote]

Then either their dad or I buy one or take them to buy it. You do have to do somethings for kids because they are kids. Were you under the impression that you birth them and then magically stuff just happens for 18 years?

Maybe you just have undiagnosed ADHD so basic things are very challenging for you [/quote]

Nobody says it's hard. But you seem stuck on these very simple tasks. But in a day there are so many very simple tasks. Someone has to do them. And husbands would say they are focused on many other tasks just not the buying shirt tasks. For my house our division of labor is pretty even but no, my husband doesn't have to do the shirt but he is leaving work early today to take the car for an oil change.[/quote]

I just had AI tally our last five years of Amazon packages and costs. For Share of Mind sake.

Things I ordered, by quantity:
65% for the kids (bday presents, clothes costume, sports stuff, school materials) 
30% for the house (snacks, kitchen items, decor, lawn/pest stuff)
5% for me (cosmetics on sale, snakca)

Things my husband ordered, by quantity):
5% for kids (usually returned, wasn’t listening)
90% for himself (clothes/shoes, electronics, 5+ shavers a year & forgets to pack them)
5% for the house (weird electronics or lights sitting in a pile now)

Dollar value and quantity value vastly ordered by me. Tho his random electronics add up big time (roomba, etc). [/quote]

Ok? Amazon won't quantify for me the mental labor of dealing with the income taxes, car maintenance, investment management, and all the other things in our household division of labor. While shopping for the shirts and bday presents is annoying I don't want to take on the other tasks so it works for us and more or less evens out.[/quote]

Super, then switch.

Give her the annual and quarterly computer stuff, and you do the day to day household and kid stuff.

Great idea PP![/quote]

I'm not the one complaining. But people should be honest about what their household division of labor actually looks like. Complaining about your half without telling us what the husband actually does is meaningless. How do we know how lopsided it is when we only have a few stupid examples of what actually doesn't sound very important?[/quote]

Complaining and deflecting is exactly what you're doing above.

Face it, pretending to compare the man hours of some annual adult tasks to the day to day family household tasks is vain and naive, to say the least. [/quote]

Oh please. The house of cards doesn’t fall down if the shirt is blue not green. Find some real problems.[/quote]

Yes someone mentioned a sick child needing medicine, and emotional support. Those are examples of real problems.

If you are complaining about dresses and cookies, you don't have real problems. [/quote]

Lol

The delinquent dad who can’t be bothered to read the emails from school, his wife, coaches or doctors is going to ID a sick child, take them to the right doctor and provide emotional support all on his own accord!!?

Let me tell you how many times I returned from a biz trip and found an ill, neglected child. Many.

He won’t even take the time to put them to bed, he’d rather watch TV at 8pm and pass out. They can go upstairs themselves and go to bed. Age 6+.[/quote]

So you married a dud without a pulse. That still doesn’t mean freaking out over a dress and unnecessary cookies is a good use of time. If OP had bigger issues she probably would have mentioned them.[/quote]

Sure did; he sits on the sidelines and watches Tv. The entire household is set up to avoid needing him for anything, which in turn minimizes chaos and setbacks for me and the kids. No one props him up any longer beyond that.

So be it. [/quote]

Why are you trying to make this about you?[/quote]

Those are OP’s two options when dealing with a husband who’s a krap parent and adult and refuses to do the work to improve:

Divorce and wish the kids the best during his custody time. Still do everything behind the scenes. He undermines all actual parenting or house rules through age 18.

Stay together and take all responsibilities away from him. Household runs more smoothly. More work for functional parent. Kids need to grow up and get independent sooner.[/quote]

Only two options: Divorce, or take all responsibilities?

Why isn't communicate an option? Because it didn't work in your situation? [/quote]

NP.

Yes those are OPs options.

Coparenting with a loser is just more of the same or worse, especially for the kids and their future. They won’t be ready for school or tests or games, they’ll miss things, and their habits will devolve during his custody time. And Op will still have to be in charge of everything since he doesn’t care about dental appts, correct sports gear, bday parties, being on time, dress code, and so on. [/quote]

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