Reply to Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good. [/quote]

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.
[/quote]

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?[/quote]

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them. 
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband. 
3. Check for message “no gifts”.  If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband. 
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event. [/quote]

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself. [/quote]

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP. [/quote]

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance. [/quote]

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.[/quote]

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger. [/quote]

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same. [/quote]

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.[/quote]

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP. [/quote]

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people.  Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself.  I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim.  But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.[/quote]

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice![/quote]

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better![/quote]

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce. [/quote]

Divorce is not her only option.  We have all been saying that she has two options: she can accept him for who he is (and [b]maybe *then* they can figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals,[/b] rather than systems that she desires that would work for only her), OR she can divorce.

Complaining and attempting to wish him into being a different person is not actually accomplishing anything now, and it clearly will not accomplish anything in the future.

You and the other people in this thread pushing back on this reality are basically engaging in a “my spouse is terrible” circle jerk.  It might feel good in the moment, but what exactly are hoping to gain long term?[/quote]

Good luck with that PP.  Pay attention. That’s all been tried and failed, x100.

Spent $4k on a neuropysch, 
$3.5k on my own individual therapy, and 
$4k on his targeted therapy with an ASD psychologist on the west coast.

She proposed truly little baby steps for him to do on a monthly basis. He refused.

6 mos later, before he quit therapy for eating everyone’s time, she recommended him to do a 12 month DBT therapy session and anger mgmt classes. She even found an Arlington based doctor who would take an adult with his profile. He refused.

No change. No result. No systems.  [/quote]

This doesn’t sound like you were trying to work within the constraints of who he is an individual.  This sounds like you were spent a lot of money having him go to therapy in an effort to get him to change who he is as an individual.  Do you really not understand the difference?[/quote]

Everyone understands the difference.

Some people with issues address them, others don’t.

That was his chance. At age 40.

This was his chance to, with baby steps, improve himself. He had his diagnoses, he had a well-known published doctor, they had a slow ramp plan of new habits to do (greet your kids in the AM/ don’t ignore them, read your emails once a week on Thursdays, plan 1 date a month yourself w childcare).

He failed.

Now he is on the sidelines of the family, and barely has a relationship with me or the kids.

He likes it that way. He goofs around with them when convenient, might tag along to a weekend game. He ignores the sitter, like he has for 10+ years.

I have the documentation to serve him any time I wish (temp custody, temp child support, Maryland backdated separation agreement - we have separate BRs).

I have my support groups, friend groups and close family all of whom are aware of his Dx and symptoms and the situation. I work full time in a senior position.

He is out of my will, he is not PoA of me or anything with the kids or anyone’s health decisions. The lawyer has his Dx write up and the subsequent psychologist treatment recommendations he failed to do.

As you can tell, I have fully detached from expecting him to change or improve. And I have fully accepted how he is.

In fact I praise him for all his hard office work and whatever income it manages to produce for the family. I call him my arm candy if he comes to a function with me. I still wipe up all his weekend crumbs and coffee cups littered around the house. Wet towels on the hardwood. Vehicles with no oil change in years.

I expect nothing of him nor from him. He can barely follow directions. So now he only gets “fun directions,” like buy me some perfume at duty free next week!  But never something to do with food or the kids or repairs or school or planning something. Never again. [/quote]

And yet he will be shocked. Shocked! I tell you, when you eventually serve him. It's so sad.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics