Reply to Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Friend: Why did you guys break up?

OP: X decided she wanted to live in big house and stay home with our kids.

Friend: The nerve of the girl.[/quote]

You are leaving a lot out but you know that.  Not even close.  [/quote]

DP.  So is OP.  He has been dodging a lot of questions in this discussion.  [/quote]

What questions has OP been dodging? He has answered many questions that have been asked on this thread. [/quote]

Questions OP did not answer:

1. “Are you planning to pay for private schools? Your budget won’t get you much in those areas with decent schools.”

2. “On the SAHP thing, are you willing to ease up on your own career (maybe switch to a job with lower pay but better quality of life) is you can be a full 50% partner on the home and childcare front?”

3. “OP, what do you think are reasonable compromises on these issues? Where are you willing to deviate from your ideal plan?”

4. “OP, do you like the idea of traditional gender roles in a marriage? Where you get to be the husband who “takes care of“ his family and you get to make most of the big decisions pretty much unilaterally? Or do you prefer to have a marriage with a partner who is also wage earning and wants to build a life with you and also has an equal say in everything?”

5. “Op is a well off guy. Does he want his wife to work and have a nanny? Or send your baby to daycare?”

6. “OP, did you really have no clue that she wanted a different lifestyle than you are willing to contribute to? Does she wear cheap, frumpy clothes, no jewelry, hair only gets cut every six months, carrying an extra 10 pounds because she doesn’t want to pay for a gym or even new running shoes, living in a cheap crummy apartment and never spending money to socialize with friends?”

I am sure you will find grounds to dismiss them, but these question get at important points about OP’s expectations for marriage and family life, and whether his dating choices are likely to lead to the kid of marriage he thinks he wants.  The question of how he and his hypothetical wife would balance careers and children is a major issue for a marriage.  Is he willing to ease up on his own career so he can participate equally in home life while his wife to continues to also pursue her own career at a level comparable to OP’s?  If his preference is for his wife to scale back her career or stop working entirely so he doesn’t have to make any career sacrifices, can he also accept that he will have to share “his” money equally with his wife, and can’t use “I make the money” as an excuse to control her financially?  Bigger picture, is he willing to compromise and find an acceptable middle ground when he and his wife have disagreements, or will it be “my way or the highway”?

And before he even gets to that point, is he dating women who seem to have values and preferences aligned with his, particularly his strict frugality, or is he looking for women who fit certain standards of “hot” and “socially desirable” to boost his own self-image while conveniently ignoring that those things come with a financial cost he’s not willing to bear?[/quote]

OP here.

- I’m not sure about what school I would send my kids to. Likely private unless we lived in an area with top rated schools. Schools are very terrible and I’m open to home schooling too. That’s a long ways away and it depends on my kids and what they need.

- I will not be scaling back at my job. I work 40-50 hour weeks and can easily help out with kids/household without needing to take another job.

- I have no issue paying for these major items as long as I’m not set stretched beyond what’s I’m comfortable with, or if she also contributes. My ex made $200k/year and had a savings account, but never offered to help pay for any major needs. Yes I did tell her I love frugal because I wanted to provide a comfortable lifestyle for my future wife and kids, but that does not mean the most expensive lifestyle or that she couldn’t contribute. She never told me how much she had in savings, and besides paying for groceries and some household stuff a couple of times, she never paid for anything.

- I’m open to what my future wife wants. I don’t have any expectations on wanting a wife who works or stays home. I’m comfortable with each option. Regardless of staying home or having a career, she will always be an equal partnership and have a say. My mom stayed home and my parents were equals partners. I think both maybe overruled each other on certain things that were important to them, but they were always a united front. My mom had access to everything and was able to spend within budget and that’s what I want.

- I’m open to either option. I think it would depend on what makes sense for our schedules and the type of kids we have.

- She is fit. She does dress nicely but she never wore a ton of jewelry or went shopping a ton in the year we were together. She wasn’t one of those women who needed super expensive clothes or a bunch of pursues. She took care of herself, but I know several women in my life ( mom, ex gfs, SIL, friends wives, family members) that look good and take care of themselves without needing an expensive lifestyle to do it. My ex before this one made about the same as this ex and she didn’t spend a ton of money. She also saved her money and lived frugal to pay off SL and save for the future. She always looked amazing but she wasn’t into fancy stuff. You don’t need an expensive to look good or socialize.

- I will be an equal partner. My dad was a strong man and took care of us and helped my mom with household stuff. I’ve always been the main cook in prior relationships and don’t mind helping clean up. I want to be an active and involved parent. A wife who stays at home might do a little more of childcare or household tasks, but I will be help out and be involved.

- I didn’t go for the hottest woman. Physical attraction is important, but there is more to attraction than looks. I want a wife and I want a partner who compliments me.

- My money will be her money once we are married. We will have a budget like most people and she will have full access to our money regardless if she works or stays home. My ex before this one and I lived together for a year and we had a joint account. Both of used it without checking with each other unless the purchase was large ( over $500). She contributed and money was never an issue.

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