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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Full text of letters from celebrities: Bijou, Ashton, Mila, the entire Ribisi family:

https://tonyortega.substack.com/p/letters-from-ashton-kutcher-mila[/quote]

I've posted a few times in this thread. I am a survivor of both rape and a workplace sexual assault. I often find myself drawn to stories like this for that reason.

One thing I learned in my own experience is that people can do horrible, cruel, criminal things, and also have this whole other life where they are loved, respected, and surrounded by family and friends.

This is a very hard thing to wrap your head around as a survivor. Both of the people who hurt me are considered wonderful people by others. When I was raped, I very quickly realized that if I reported it, I would face a wall of people who would back up my rapist because of their positive experiences with him. Some of these people were even aware that he had some unusual and uncomfortable sexual ethics-- one of them told me later that my rapist had disclosed to her that he fantasized about nonconsensual sex. Despite this, she still excused his actions towards me and dismissed it as a "gray area." I never brought charges against him, and a major reason why is that I knew he'd be defended and supported, and I feared that I would not be. I was not as loved or liked as he was. But he raped me.

Years later, I was sexually assaulted by a superior at work. I was relatively new to the job and felt very socially unsure of myself there still. The person who assaulted me was high up in the organization, very well connected, and very well liked by both colleagues and clients. People barely knew me. I have an awkward personality and a lot of social anxiety. Again, I knew if I said anything, there would be a line of people ready to defend and excuse my assailant, and I did not feel confident that even one person would believe me. So I stayed silent.

People who commit sexual assault are often in positions of power and authority. Parents, teachers, clergy, bosses, leaders. People tend to gravitate towards, and respect, authority and leadership. It can create affinity, make someone desirable as a friend. Likewise, many people need strong social skills to gain power to begin with. Charisma, good looks, and affinity are common in authority figures because they engender trust and enthusiasm.

If you take two things away from these letters describing this man who was just convicted of two violent rapes as a wonderful friend, warm and caring husband and father, a leader, a consummate professional, it is this:

1) There is no definitive experience of a person. Having wonderful experiences with a person does not negate someone else's experience of being harmed by that person. Both experiences "count" in evaluating that person.

2) Sometimes the very thing you like and find most compelling about a person can be used as a tool for terrible deeds. Masterson's charisma, professionalism, leadership qualities, humor, eloquence, etc. we're all very useful to him in raping women. He used these qualities to draw women to him, to control them, and later to silence them. Once you see this, it might change how you think about what qualities, or combination of qualities, are most valuable in other people. It's certainly changed mine.[/quote]

I am in the middle of reading this thread but I wanted to post a thank you to you for writing this post. I found it very poweful, and very true to my own experiences.

I am so sorry that those men did those things to you, and that you had to navigate such non-supportive environments. I hope that you have people in your life who wholeheartedly believe you and who are able to confirm how courageous and perceptive you are.[/quote]

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