Reply to Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

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[quote=ZachF][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I divorced a heating husband who was getting plenty of sex at home and I cannot for the life of me get my bead around my not wanting to have sex again ever (again this is about desire no medical issue involved) and expecting my partner to just accept that despite their libido not being in decline. It seems selfish and cruel. This is how you treat someone you love and want to be with until you die? [/quote]

It's more about 1 partner wanting 3 times a week and the other wanting 3 times a month, not totally no sex never.

Your H probably chested because it was not often enough, passionate enough, felt like duty sex... Or some equally lame excuse, even though he was getting it at home.[/quote]

He cheated because he was a selfish asshole. But I am talking about the no sex ever people not the he/she wants it 3 times a week and I want it 3 times a month people. [/quote]

But most partners complain about frequency and duty sex.... Not never getting it, those post too, but not most. [b]It's the duty sex that is rapey[/b], hey sorry your vagina is dry but can you blow me, or those that can't wait 6 weeks post parfumerie, or the dudes that say they can't concentrate at work if they go 3 weeks.

Maybe we should get congress to pass a bill that men dont work after the baby is born because they can't concentrate until their wife screws them. [/quote]

I have to say that the bolded phrase resonated with me.  I never turned my DH down for sex, which we had frequently and which I always thought was mutually pleasurable.  Then I found out that DH had cheated on me.  DH "confessed" and begged me to stay together.   During the period of reconciliation, we continued to have sex, but I have to admit, it felt "rapey".  Yes, I consented, but that consent was under heavy pressure from DH and the counselors.

Much of our "counseling" revolved around why I wouldn't have sex with DH anymore and how he could get back to having sex.  (Because you cheated on me and you haven't gotten STD tested yet even though I asked you months ago. DUH.  And, you've done nothing to build confidence that you won't do cheat again.  DUH)  Frankly, I was shocked how the entire counseling process revolved around whether or not we had sex, and not why DH cheated and lied to me so extensively for so long.  At home, DH was constantly trying to initiate sex, sometimes pawing me in the middle of the night when I was asleep and waking me.  It was clear I was expected to "get over it" and go back to having sex with DH because sex is expected in a marriage, and my needs for safety and honesty were immaterial.

Our notions of rape our changing.  It used to be that "rape" only occurred between non-marital partners and only as a result of force; anything else was automatically considered sex with "consent" even though that consent may have been deduced from the fact that the victim wore short shorts or had dated the perpetrator.    Now the definition of rape is evolving to take into account true consent, i.e. sober, informed, explicit verbal consent between any sexual partners married or not.  Personally, I agree with that evolution.

I honestly view what happened to me as rape by fraud.  DH got my consent to sex by fraud -- lying to me often over the course of years because he knew that I had said no to sex outside of monogamy.   The sexual consent I gave was gained only by his manipulation and lies, and he knew that.

It's good to remember that the definition of rape has evolved from "sex by force from a stranger" to "sex without consent" only because real women stood up every day over many years and objected to the narrow definition of rape as it was then in the law. [/quote]

Oh Pulease!  I'm sorry your H cheated on you.  That sucks, he is an asshole, and I'm sure it hurts big time to not be able to trust him again.  But nothing that you described is rape.  Especially your attempts to go back in time and redefine your sex with him as rape after you discovered his deceitful ways.  Convincing your wife to have sex with you isn't rape, even if the the guy is a cheating asshole.[/quote]

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