Reply to Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

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Reply to "Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I have to say that the bolded phrase resonated with me.  I never turned my DH down for sex, which we had frequently and which I always thought was mutually pleasurable.  Then I found out that DH had cheated on me.  DH "confessed" and begged me to stay together.   During the period of reconciliation, we continued to have sex, but I have to admit, it felt "rapey".  Yes, I consented, but that consent was under heavy pressure from DH and the counselors.

Much of our "counseling" revolved around why I wouldn't have sex with DH anymore and how he could get back to having sex.  (Because you cheated on me and you haven't gotten STD tested yet even though I asked you months ago. DUH.  And, you've done nothing to build confidence that you won't do cheat again.  DUH)  Frankly, I was shocked how the entire counseling process revolved around whether or not we had sex, and not why DH cheated and lied to me so extensively for so long.  At home, DH was constantly trying to initiate sex, sometimes pawing me in the middle of the night when I was asleep and waking me.  It was clear I was expected to "get over it" and go back to having sex with DH because sex is expected in a marriage, and my needs for safety and honesty were immaterial.

Our notions of rape our changing.  It used to be that "rape" only occurred between non-marital partners and only as a result of force; anything else was automatically considered sex with "consent" even though that consent may have been deduced from the fact that the victim wore short shorts or had dated the perpetrator.    Now the definition of rape is evolving to take into account true consent, i.e. sober, informed, explicit verbal consent between any sexual partners married or not.  Personally, I agree with that evolution.

I honestly view what happened to me as rape by fraud.  DH got my consent to sex by fraud -- lying to me often over the course of years because he knew that I had said no to sex outside of monogamy.   The sexual consent I gave was gained only by his manipulation and lies, and he knew that.

It's good to remember that the definition of rape has evolved from "sex by force from a stranger" to "sex without consent" only because real women stood up every day over many years and objected to the narrow definition of rape as it was then in the law. [/quote]

What you are describing is not rape.

What he was guilty of was adultery and fornication. These are generally no longer regarded as serious crimes, in part for the precise reason that the adulterers are consenting adults.

But hey you can lead the charge to make adultery a felony, if you want. Good luck with that![/quote]

+1.  [/quote]

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