Reply to Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
So lots of holes in your thinking. First, you pretend to know all about daycare - there are some great,  high quality centers and home daycares in this area - but you know nothing, NOTHING about them because the random drop off daycare your non-working wife drops them off at so she can grab her mani-pedi doesn't count. You can't talk about the merits of having a SAHM and be an expert on daycare. Sor.

Also, you conveniently leave out how much it sucks for your kids and you that are a paycheck while your wife "raises" them. Again, can't have it both ways. If working parents are having their kids raised by the lowly daycare staff and nannies who take care of them during working hours then you can't be raising your kids if you work. Many parents who both work actually stagger stuff so they both see the kids a lot - my husband goes in at 9 after kids get on the bus and I'm home by 6 when I don't WFH 2x a week. I'm betting you've never stayed home with a sick kid, gone to a dr. appointment with your kid, or volunteered for a field trip? My husband does and did all the time and you can really see it in his relationship with our kids.

Also, we used high quality daycare at my husband's work for a few years, then switched to a nanny. Our nanny was "uneducated" but she is the kindest, most patient, hardest working woman I know and my kids benefited greatly from her love and experience. She also taught them fluent Spanish. There are so many advantages to having others help raise your kids.

You also have no idea how your wife will feel about all this in 10, 15 years when the kids don't need her as much and she has been out of the workforce for over a decade. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, but your smugness about it all is not really appropriate at this time.

If your current situation is working for your family, that's swell. But to act like it would be perfect for every family or you just can't fathom why others make different choices, is just silly and makes you look foolish. [/quote]
Look, I work and will always work because my income is critical to our family.  But I do think you're being unnecessarily defensive with the guy by going on the attack.  I don't think he's telling you how to do things; he's telling you what worked for him.

My kids have been in daycare and nannycare all their life.  Do I think they had great childcare? yes, absolutely. Do I think that I would have provided it better? Absolutely.  I love them more than any daycare worker could, and I know more and am more educated than any of their childcare workers. That doesn't mean their teachers have been uneducated, or didn't love them. It just means I love them more, and would have done better.  It would have been perfect with me, but that's impossible. So we are going for good, which means high-quality preschools.  Good is fine.  Good is good. It doesn't hurt my feelings to say excellent is better than good but excellent isn't always possible. We'll live, kids are fine. Again, I don't doubt that your kid had great childcare. But to deny that care given by loving, educated mothers is not the gold standard is..sort of silly.  And I know why people bristle at this; we hate the idea that we are giving the kids anything other than the very best.  But that's the reality. We, well most of us, cannot achieve the best. We drive acceptable cars, we have acceptable jobs, we live in acceptable houses, there's always more perfect out there. We have it good.  Good is fine.  It's not as good as perfect or excellent, but that's OK, really. [/quote]

This is a very good post.  I'm actually the PP that started this brouhaha talking about my situation at home.  Your post is truth though.  I was going to respond and say that we all make decisions where we try to optimize by triangulating between time, money, and personal fulfillment.  My wife has sacrificed a lot to stay home, and we have sacrificed a lot (materially) as a family.  (We spend very little money on material things and get most of our entertainment from things that are free or cheap -- watching movies online, exercising, having lots of sex, reading library books, etc.)  We don't live in the very best school district (though we live in a good one), and we don't spend a lot of money on extracurricular stuff as much as we might if money were no concern.  It is the same with material possessions.  If my wife worked or I worked much more (in fact, I used to work much more), we could do/have all that, and some people make that choice and believe they are doing the best for their kids.  Other people sacrifice personal fulfillment or family time to make more money and ensure a certain level of material comfort or financial security.  Some people have to work all the time just to provide the bare minimum.  I don't fault anybody for these decisions. I never said that it was horrible to have a kid in daycare, but I do have the opinion that it is superior to have a loving parent raising the kids (unless that parent is unfit).  So sue me.

Mainly, I just wanted to paint a different picture of the SAH spouse situation than what was in this thread.  I don't resent her or feel like she's riding the gravy train.  I appreciate the sacrifice for the sake of the kids and the peace and harmony at home.  It certainly doesn't look like an easy job and isn't without sacrifice.[/quote]

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