Reply to Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP's problem he is actually broke. He thinks about all his in terms of his family's money because he doesn't have any of his own money that he can decide how he wants to spend. He's basically a trust fund brat.[/quote]

I think you have it backwards. She's broke. She doesn't have a job, and owes debt to her father. He has a job and didn't say he has debt. [/quote]

OP said it himself that he feels like his extended family is subsidizing, because he doesn't have enough of his own money. Imagine being an adult and fretting about a dinner out because you don't have your own money.[/quote]

I believe he said his family was subsidizing because they put him through undergraduate and medical school debt free, bought him a house, and he's already received some inheritance.  He has money. No debt. He's believes paying his share of a vacation or meal with his in-laws, using his salary, is using money he has only because his parents have contributed so much.  He could be the one with huge educational debt instead of his wife, but for the fact his parents paid for him. He can only afford to go on these vacations because he doesn't have to pay student loans ( or mortgage?) out of his salary.

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That's how money works. When you use it for one thing you have less for another. If he doesn't want to go on vacation then he can just say no but he's so used to having all his bills paid by parents it's uncomfortable to have to open that wallet once in awhile.[/quote]

I agree OP doesn't have to do these things. OP says wife feels caught in the middle. My best guess is OP resents paying for these vacations rather than saving the money to pay it forward. But that's just a guess.

Completely agree with PP calling out different value systems between families. [/quote]

Right. PP doesn't get it. Both families have wildly different priorities. He doesn't want to use the money so he can pass it down. [/quote]

If that were the case, he would just decline to go on the vacation. Clearly he wants to go, he just doesn’t want to pay. It’s not enough to have hand outs from his own family, he wants them from his ILs too. [/quote]

He said he was guilt-tripped if they didn't go. Reread the OP.

I'm sure these post would be so different if it was a woman. [/quote]

So what if they were guilt tripped? Good grief grow a spine. [/quote]

He has never had to develop a spine because he has had everything handed to him and hasn’t had to work hard for it. 
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Yeah, I’m sure his parents paid for a body double to get go to medical school for him. And, now some poor slave is working for his paycheck while he sits on the couch and eats bon bons! What an @ss! [/quote]

Who worked for the money that paid for his education and his start in life? He did not. I’m sure he studied hard and spends time working as a doctor, but that is not the same as engaging in labor to pay for every single thing you have.

The FIL built his own business from the ground up, with no parental handouts. OP did not have to work for the money that paid for college and med school, and he’s not sure he’d ever be capable of that kind of work. Backbones are built by dealing with pressure and stress, not by having tuition money paid by mommy and daddy writing a check. 
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YES that is the point! OP WANTS this for his own children. How are ya’ll this stupid?! He LITERALLY says this in his OP. If he doesn’t have “a backbone” now, he will when his kid is in the same position as he is now, since you’re saying it was his parents who worked to fund him.

Say all you want about OP, but this is the dumbest angle/argument wrt his FIL! [/quote]

Are you OP?

It sounds as though you have no understanding of the difference between working for everything you have, from the jump, and being handed everything to get a handsome start on life. It appears that you have no understanding of physical work, of worrying about how you’re going to pay for things. Character and resilience are built through dealing with difficulties. You ha ve never had to deal with the difficulty of worrying about where your money is coming from.

You will do your children no favors to give them everything they need to succeed. They could easily end up being adults who have no understanding or appreciation of what hard work actually is. [/quote]

Are you valuing physical labor over mental labor?

Some self made men (like my husband) look back on the struggle and think: " damn, that was hard. I want better for my own kids.  As long as they are working hard on their studies, I'm supporting them financially.  I don't want them to struggle and worry. "

That doesn't mean we didn't require and teach the value of physical labor.

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While there is some value in having done physical labor at least at some point in one’s life, the more important point is in being responsible for earning the money that allows one to succeed in life. One has a very different character-building experience when one has to work to pay at least part of one’s tuition bills.

[b]I think OP realizes that he could not have hacked paying any of his own tuition when he was young[/b] because he recognizes inner abilities that his FIL has that he will never have. It makes him feel inadequate, so he dislikes his FIL. OP doesn’t necessarily understand that he feels this way, thus this thread calling out what he sees as how the FIL has wronged him. 
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How many 20yos have had the ability to pay their own tuition???

It’s sad that you think physicians are total slackers, which is nervy on a board filled with them. [/quote]

OP was not a physician at age 20. Young adults can contribute to their own tuition by working part time jobs during the school year and working full time during summers.

People who have all their tuitions and costs paid for by others don’t really appreciate the work it takes to make that money. They enter adulthood with the experience of having everything they need and want paid for by others and they expect this happy experience to continue as they live their adult lives. This is a good explanation for why the OP expects his own family and even his wife’s family to pay for their vacations and restaurant meals. 
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