Reply to Parents getting upset about any group invitation

Forum Index » Elementary School-Aged Kids

Reply to "Parents getting upset about any group invitation "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Obviously you are not going to coordinate 110 families - only coordinate with the boys then. You can ask once, then make a group chat with any takers. That will winnow it down naturally to a manageable number and no one can rightfully get bent out of shape later. I know some people don’t like grade chats but I find them helpful for this kind of stuff, sharing intel on camps, doctors, blah blah. The bottom line IMO is that you can choose either to be more welcoming or deal with the blowback of being the leader of a clique. But I’m not feeling too sorry for your plight if all you want to do about is come here and complain.

With great power comes great responsibility OP. [/quote]

Great power? I am talking about dropping into a gym class that’s advertised to everyone. I find the reaction entitled. She could also initiate too. If you’re going to complain about not getting invited to something, make an effort yourself to show up or say thank you for the invite to prior attempts. [/quote]

Yes but there is a reason you did not send your casual text to HER when you made the effort to text 4-5 others…and she is picking up on the exclusionary piece of that.
Yes she could have initiated, but she didn’t. YOU did initiate—but your outreach to specifically coordinate and co firm attendance at the drop-in thing did not include her and was obvious that a coordinated attendance was agreeed upon and orchestrated without her.

No—she is not “entitled” to be included but it is hurtful to NOT be included if she is supposed to be considered a friend. And the issue is probably that you don’t really consider her to be a friend….but you also aren’t particularly seeking to anger her. You just don’t enjoy her and that’s fine. But you can’t both exclude her AND make her feel okay about that, OP.
That’s gaslighting.
You don’t really like her but you include her because she’s around and you don’t want to look like a mean girl mom.
But even your tactics of inclusion are “mean girl” if I’m being honest. 
As another poster pointed out—she doesn’t want to be an “add on” afterthought but that’s exactly how you treat her when you say “a group of us are getting ice cream—you should come” or “some of us are going to the park, would you like to join?”
On the surface that may feel inclusive to you and you may even think you are being so gracious to extend your circle to invite her….but OP, that only conveys that initial plans have been made and agreed upon within a smaller group that she is NOT included in and then after the plan was set, you loop her in (whether or not the time or activity works for her schedule is not a consideration—as she is clearly not part of the “A” list group.)—-but aren’t you a sweetheart for inviting her? Why isn’t she showing any interest??  :roll: 
I just want you to acknowledge that to you, the issue is her ingratitude and entitlement.
But to her—the issue is that this group of moms is pretending to like her and include her, but in reality they don’t do either and she is hurt.[/quote]

DP but wow -- you really nailed the dynamics here in a really specific and insightful way! In particular I like how you broke down the way that telling someone who is clearly on the outside of a friend group "hey a group of us are doing X, you should join" tends to emphasize that person's outside status. I had never really thought about that before but have been on both sides of an invite like that and yes, that's exactly why that kind of invite feels so different than an actual extension of friendship.

And yes, you are right, part of what is happening here is that OP is resentful of feeling like she *has* to include this woman, at least sometimes, because their kids are friends and at the same school. OP doesn't want to include her and would really prefer to just do things with her actual friends. So it's 100% an obligation based on the kids' connection and not a genuine effort to get to know this woman or develop a friendship with her, and of course this woman picks up on that and is put off by it, thus the standoff and noncommittal behavior.

I also relate to the idea of recognizing you are essentially getting pity invites or obligatory invites and it making you feel more hostile than you would if you were just totally excluded, because it's an impossible situation. If you say yes and go, you have to be there knowing they would prefer you not come. But if you decline, then it's your own fault that you aren't included. It's a no win situation.[/quote]

But actually you’re wrong. I’m very aware how that comes off and I’ll start a new text saying “Does anyone want to meet for ice cream w the kids?” so she doesn’t feel like an outsider or late invite and people chime in as if they are hearing it for the first time. I mentioned that. As I mentioned, I have invited this woman to dozens of things over the years and she has never initiated one time and more times than not doesn’t even rsvp or respond. I’m sorry but she’s in no position to be upset if she’s not included one time. No one gets invited to everything.  [/quote]

You didn’t and haven’t done anything wrong.  At all.  Just stop trying and wasting your energy with her.  [/quote]

She sounds like she likes to be a perpetual victim. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics