Reply to Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband paid off my credit card debt when we got married. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I’ll never forget how nonjudgmental and straightforward he was—“this is our debt now and we agreed we don’t want debt, right?” End of story.

That debt had funded a move that got me in a job where I want just able to buy him a sports car.

This is all a silly way to say—if everyone is working in faith of the marriage, you know it all comes out in the wash. So what’s the real situation here?[/quote]

Apparently many do not "work in the faith of the marriage". They are constantly thinking 50% of marriages end badly and I need to protect myself.  Whereas if they put more effort into selecting a good partner (ie discussions about the difficult topics) and then working together as a team, they might not have to worry about it.  
I mean seriously, would you want to be in a relationship where one person makes 3x what the other makes and decides they get to drive a $80K sports car because they make more money while the other partner can only afford a $20K Kia because that is all they contribute? 
Me, I'd prefer we be in a relationship where we both drive $30K cars and then make a joint decision to save for a nicer car if one really values that.  But No I will never understand, "I make more money so I get to spend more money on myself" That doesn't seem like a healthy relationship.

We paid off $80K of my partners student loans (I had $10K) when we got married.  We then saved for home downpayment.  It was joint.  We always discuss major financial purchases---it's just now that number is up to ~$1K of "play money/you make the choice".  I was making over $100K at age 28, partner was making $200K+.  They were on the path to C suite.  We decided to have kids and it was my choice to be the primary caregiver---I could work full time/part time and we'd pay for daycare or a nanny (my choice) or I could stay at home.  We made the choice that I was the primary caregiver and as such that meant I contributed to the household In many ways more than a paycheck.  I was never given an "allowance".  In fact Im the one who manages our finances and we joke my partner has no clue where the money is (While it's actually true, it's their choice and they know the basics and I offer to give more information whenever they want it).   I managed all of the finances, investing, etc.  You do whatever works for you, but it seems unhealthy not to manage finances as a largely joint effort.  Someone making $50K/year should not be afforded less  while their spouse spends on themself just because they "earn more".

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