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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I used to think I was spanked by my parents and while I thought it was not great and wouldn't do it to my own kids, it was "the time" and not that damaging.

Eventually I figured out (on my own) that my parents were just abusive. They hit us in anger all the time. My dad "spanked" us with a belt. They screamed at us, made fun of us, gave us the silent treatment, etc. All these behaviors got rolled into this excuse of "this is how it was at the time" and "well, attitudes on child discipline have shifted." And for years I thought my upbringing was normal, if out of step with current parenting "trends."

There were even a few years in there where I realized my parents' hit/yelled/punished more than was typical for the time, but I honestly thought it was just a reflection of my siblings and I being bad kids and getting into more trouble and my parents HAD to do what they did because we weren't the kind of good children who could be raised without that kind of violence. My brothers still both think this on some level.

I believe there are parents who really only "spank" without anger, as a form of punishment, for a certain number of years when kids are what they deem the appropriate age. But I think there are WAY more parents like mine, who lean back on the idea that "spanking" is an acceptable form of discipline to cover a variety of abusive behaviors and convince their kids that it was normal and fine.[/quote]

+1. My parent spanked but it definitely devolved into solid flanking abuse a few times when they were extra pissed and stressed. I still remember getting slapped across the mouth HARD as a teenager... Because why? I didn't want to practice piano that night. There was no beneficial end result to that, it was unnecessary, and I still resent my (now dead) parent for it 30 years later. My brother got it way worse than me sadly.[/quote]

I was hit many times as a kid (both traditional "spankings" and also plenty of times being hit in a rage), but the two most memorably upsetting acts of violence by my parents in my childhood were actually against siblings. I watched my mom slap my sister across the face when she was a teen, I think because she hadn't finished her chores on a weekend before going out for some school activity commitment. Another time my dad got mad at my younger brother for not trying harder when cleaning the kitchen after dinner, and started swatting his bottom and then started pulling off his belt to whip him.

In both cases, I remember watching and thinking about how my parents was out of control of their emotions, and of the situation. Like even as a kid I could see that their response was just emotional and immature, and that they were failing in that moment. I lost so much respect for them watching stuff like this, even more than when they were hitting me, because in those moments I was also afraid of them and feeling the shame and guilt they were trying to make me feel. It's almost like seeing them hit my siblings gave me the emotional remove I needed to see their behavior for what it was.[/quote]

oh 100%.
dont think - spank-o-philes, that the rest of us anti spank parents haven't been tempted to spank our kids. We just did the much harder work of finding other ways to enact consequences or to reach them. It's easy to wallop a defenseless child. it's a lot harder to be the adult in the room and find another way. 
I remember my mom nearly spanked me when I was around 7 once, I was crying my eyes out and inconsolable about a playdate being cancelled and she had no idea how to calm me down. She got SO close but didn't do it. I remember in that moment just thinking 'oh wow this lady is losing control.'[/quote]

Do you know why people used to slap hysterical people? Not because they're losing control. To snap them out of it.

Crying your eyes out and inconsolable? And then thinking critically about your mother?  Sounds like a slap might have been what you needed.  And the threat of one did the trick, snapped you out of it.[/quote]

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