Reply to Bromance interfereing with child rearing --- will he ever get it?

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Reply to "Bromance interfereing with child rearing --- will he ever get it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That's how my husband was-and it killed our marriage. He was using a lot of that time to avoid me and avoid dealing with problems. He does see the kids more now that we're separated, but he missed out on so much of their lives, and is still missing so much time he could have had with them. I think he would say he's a comitted, involved father, but he's so oblivious to things going on with them and I don't think he'll ever understand or appreciate the damage he has done to his relationship. [/quote]

I have a similar story. I tried so many times to discuss this with now ex-husband - I mean I really approached him repeatedly from every angle. For us what happened was that he pulled away MORE.  40 year old "Frat guy" is exactly how I would describe him when the kids were young. At times I was more demanding about him being home more rather than out with his friends (all single and younger) - then he would be home more but in a horrible mood. He really truly did not want to be a husband and father. At least, not how I imagined it would be. This was before I ever heard of DCUM but I did ask as many people in real life as I could about what was "normal." 
So OP, my advice to you would be to have a calm but serious discussion with your DH about your expectations and needs. Ask him to tell you what his expectations and needs are. Try to reach a compromise. Obviously he needs his friend time. But does he need so much friend time that you feel alone with the kids nearly all of the time?  It is not clear from your posts whether or not you have talked to him - really talked with him - about how his social life is impacting your marriage and your kids' childhoods. I highly recommend you taking the here is the problem/let's find a solution approach. This as opposed to an attack or an airing of complaints. It's worth a try. Some guys need it spelled out for them. Hopefully you are able to work it out.
If not then you will have to decide whether this lifestyle is okay for you or not and then do what you have to do. 
Fwiw I lived this way for 10 years with 3 kids and then finally got divorced when it was clear the man was not going to change. I was too lonely, too hurt and too angry to stay with the 40 year old Frat Boy. Not sure if this was predictable in my case - he did want kids for sure. And probably has always seen himself as an involved dad. From my perspective his involvement has been quite limited, as he has never had much time or interest in them. It's very sad and entirely his loss. I truly wish my kids had a better dad. [/quote]

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