Reply to Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To the 9:06 therapist. Thank you for your message and for reading. Thank you everyone else for your responses and advice, too.

No, I wouldn't leave my DH if AP wasn't in the picture. I thought about leaving him before we had kids because even though we do enjoy spending time together, we are different on an intellectual level, which I understood only when I started meeting and talking to people at work. I married young (I was in my early twenties, and he was in his mid-thirties), but I always felt the older one in the relationship. I had temptations to cheat over the years, but I never acted on them, until this time. I wouldn't leave if AP wasn't in the picture because DH is a good, caring husband, a wonderful dad, we have a good sex life (2x/week), and generally get along well. He would be a good catch for most women.

I already have an age difference of 13 years with my DH, but with AP it's 20+. I understand that it's not a good idea to marry someone so much older. I also don't want to break up two families and cause devastation.

I understand that my AP might be going through midlife crisis, that he possibly wants me because I give him what his wife won't - attention, care, physical touch. I do not think he targeted me and I do not think there were others before me. We still haven't had sex, and it was me who made the first step (I kissed him first). I understand it might not be love. But it feels like love.

I tried kissing my DH how AP and I kiss. It's just not the same at all. I understand that they are two different people, but i do not enjoy kissing my DH. He doesn't use his tongue (and when I ask him to try it's awkward and not enjoyable), his lips are not firm like my AP's lips, he is 50 lbs lighter than AP, so I don't feel as comfortable in his arms. It's just not the same. This part didn't bother me before I met AP. DH and I never kissed a lot, just a peck on the lips most days, and somewhat passionately for a couple of minutes before making love. With AP, it's different. I enjoy and savor every second, and we kiss for long periods. I know I am not a teenager, and kissing is not and should not be important, and I never thought it was important until I met AP and experienced this.

My DH is going to his first marriage counseling session today to talk about how to make our relationship better. I think I will try doing that too. I will try not seeing my AP and seeing if I can improve things at home. I know I can stay in my marriage and be somewhat happy, but I know that after having what I have with AP, things with DH will never be the same, because now I know what passion is and how things could be. I know that a marriage is not all about passion and that there are chores and responsibilities, but believe it or not, but we never argue with DH about this stuff because we split chores equally and each of us does what we like.

The therapist did say all of those things. Maybe I misinterpreted some, and maybe I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know now.[/quote]

9:06 here. A couple thoughts:

If you would not leave your marriage in AP wasn't in the picture, that really tells you all you need to know in this situation. The man is the plan. If a friend told you that this was their plan, what would you say? Do you have a daughter? If so, what if your daughter told you this? Your attempts to make your husband into your AP are doomed, and you know it. They're different people. If you stay with your husband, you can work on making your relationship with him more passionate - but you really can't do that while you are also having an affair.

Being awakened to passion is a big deal. For a lot of people, that happens when they are young and free to pursue passionate relationships and explore. That's not your situation. You are an adult married woman with children and other responsibilities that you cannot simply walk away from. I have a hard time believing that your job performance hasn't suffered as a result of your affair. I am really sorry that you're going through this. I know it's not easy, and I'm not going to pillory you like a lot of people on this site will. You know that what you're doing is not honest or kind. You don't need me to tell you that.

My first marriage sounds a lot like yours. I understand what it is like to have a really great on-paper marriage and be unhappy. Divorce doesn't make everything better. It's not a magic bullet. It's hard work, and no one wins. In the fog of your affair, you think that leaving your husband will result in some perfect relationship filled with passion, and that is almost never what happens. What is more likely is that you will leave your husband, your AP won't leave his wife, and then you'll be living in an apartment, seeing your kids on the weekends, and being even more stressed than you are now.

Finally, if you and your husband are going to marriage counseling, you cannot engage honestly in that process if you are still having an affair. It's not possible. If your husband is going to counseling with you, that is a sign to me that he is invested in trying to fix the things that you cite as problems. Does he have concerns of his own? Will you be willing to address those things as well? Regardless, none of that matters if you are still seeing your AP. You need to end the relationship with him and maintain very, very strict boundaries while you are trying to fix your marriage. I would also recommend you looking for a new job, but I didn't read your previous thread so I don't know what you/AP/etc. do.[/quote]

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