Reply to Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] The therapist said it's stress that is responsible for the way I am. That under so much stress (young kids who are going through sibling rivalry daily, moving, grad school, etc) I let go of my boundaries.

The therapist said we need to stop seeing each other, talking, and communication by an other means to understand if what we have is real or if it will go away. She says I am not ready to stop seeing him now and I need to set a limit on the number of times we see each other and then put a hold on the relationship.

The therapist says it's clear I never loved my husband even though he is a good husband and a great dad, and that if it's not my AP I would eventually leave my husband anyway.[/quote]

I've pulled out of your post the things that you have gleaned from therapy. I am sure that it is more complicated than what you've posted, but here goes:

1) As a therapist, I partially agree that stress may be causing you to behave desperately. This is not a pass. You can recognize the cause of your dysfunction and then address the cause, rather than behaving desperately. What sorts of things make you feel less stressed other than your AP? Engage in those things.

2) Your therapist is contradicting herself by saying that you need to stop seeing him, but then saying that you're not ready to stop seeing him. I can understand why a therapist would suggest limiting your contact with your AP if she thinks that you're not ready to quit seeing him cold turkey. I don't know what I would advise in this situation without knowing you, but I will say that if you have intimated to your therapist that you are not ABLE to stop seeing him (because you work together, because you're addicted to him, whatever), she may be suggesting that you limit contact because it is the only option you've left open. I think it's also important for PPs to note that it's not the therapist's job to convince the OP not to see her AP. Giving clients ultimatums is a really good way to damage the therapeutic relationship, and since the OP isn't committing any crimes or putting anyone in physical danger, the therapist's job is to work with the OP to resolve the things that the OP identifies as being wrong with her life. If the OP doesn't want to stop seeing her AP, the therapist would be out of line in requiring her to do so. If a client's behavior gets to a point where a therapist can no longer provide counseling, then they can terminate the relationship, following whatever protocol is in place for that in their practice. But as distasteful as many of us may find lying, cheating, etc., it's not our job to pass judgment on the client.

3) It is completely inappropriate for your therapist to offer an opinion about whether you loved your husband or not. Is it possible that this was posed as a question to you, rather than a declarative statement? Is it possible that this is something that YOU said that your therapist was exploring further and you took that exploration as her agreeing with you?

4) I think there is probably some truth to the statement that if it wasn't your AP, it would be something or someone else. You are trying to fix something that is broken in you and your marriage, and your affair is what you are using to fix it. It won't work. You need to focus on YOU. One thing that I think is worth thinking about is the degree to which your affair is responsible for your perception that you are unhappy in your marriage. People who are having affairs are almost never thinking rationally about their situation. Would you leave your husband if AP was not an option?

It seems like you've gotten a lot of advice here and on your previous thread about your situation. It also seems like you aren't really willing to hear any advice that doesn't validate what you want. Many people here probably have experience with your situation in one way or another, but it seems like you think that things will be different for you. There are real consequences to divorcing in this situation. Your kids will have a hard time. Your husband may challenge any kind of joint custody arrangement. Your AP may not actually leave his wife. That happens a lot - a couple will agree that they're going to leave their spouses, and then one partner decides not to for whatever reason, leaving the one who did leave alone. Is that something that you are prepared for?[/quote]

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