Reply to Talk to me about your journey from SAHM to divorce

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Talk to me about your journey from SAHM to divorce"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=ThatBetch][quote=Anonymous][quote=ThatBetch][quote=Anonymous][quote=ThatBetch][quote=Anonymous]If you're already on the brink of divorce, why bring another child into the world?[/quote]

When you're finished with your crystal ball, may I borrow it? [/quote]

NP. You made it happily through however many years it takes to have three kids, but somehow things got that bad that fast? It's surprising. [/quote]

Have you heard the one about the boiled frog?

Maybe, to an outsider, it's easy to spot abuse. To the person dealing with it, while also dealing with young children, a job, a household to manage, etc., it can be a bit less obvious. If he had started with level 10 abuse, like it was when it ended, it would've been a much shorter relationship. But that's not always how abuse works.

In the beginning, I thought I was overreacting, having trouble adjusting to married life, sleep-deprived because of the new baby, grieving the miscarriage(s), stressed from starting the new business, etc. There were plenty of "real life" excuses for why I might've been so exhausted, and second-guessing myself is a skill I brought to my marriage. Being a flawed human, I have my own insecurities, anxieties, etc. and I'm a decent enough person that I'd sooner admit those traits and fault myself than blame my partner. He claimed to love me. He said he was sorry. He promised he'd work on it...

It took years of unpacking to get to the heart of how messed up the dynamic was between us. I know some people think that SAH parents just sit around eating chips all day, but my experience was not nearly so leisurely. I didn't exactly have uninterrupted hours for navel-gazing and pondering the mess I was in. I had kids to parent, a home to manage, and a new business to try to get of the ground.

So no, it wasn't that it "got that bad that fast." It's that it takes time to see that the person claiming to love you doesn't, time to convince yourself that it's them and not you, and time to gather enough self-worth and trust to believe you'll be okay on your own (even more difficult if you've been isolated, at home, from support, and are financially dependent on your abuser).

[/quote]

Can you elaborate on how he was a using you ? Physical ? Emotional ? [/quote]

I can sum up: He's a covert narcissist. On the surface, he seems like "such a nice guy". Hell, I dated and ultimately married him because he was so nice to me! But he wanted everything to be all about him. Anything I'd say about my thoughts/needs/feelings/wants/perspective was dismissed, derided, mocked, forgotten, etc. As long as I did everything and made him look/feel good, he was "happy" (in quotes, because I've come to believe he has very strange connections to his feelings, if he can even connect to them at all). But he had total control of our whole marriage. My being at-home and the full-time parent meant he had financial control from the start, and he used/abused that privilege (economic abuse is a very real thing). It also meant that it was very easy to keep me isolated and exhausted, doing 100% of the domestic work all the time while he went out, watched sports, etc. And any time I'd try to push back, or arrange to go out for myself, he'd sabotage my efforts, but it was subtle. He'd say things like "I thought you enjoyed doing all the laundry", which is nonsense on its face, but then even when I said I didn't, and that I needed some help, he didn't for years. He'd "accidentally" forget I had made plans, or would ask me to do multiple other tasks that sapped me of any energy I might've had to go out (which, with a newborn, was a tall order to begin with). He led me to believe that I was crazy, that it was my mental shortcomings/problems that created this dynamic, not his total selfishness and complete lack of supportive partnership behavior. And when I started to realize this, he'd tell me I was overreacting, being shrill, being a nag, not giving him enough space. He would deprive me of intimacy/affection, but then claim I wasn't affectionate enough with him. He had multiple affairs. He allowed other people to abuse me. He abused me, but now goes around telling people that *I* was the abuser, and he's the victim.

It's tough. It took me a decade to fully pierce the veil of "nice guy" he can put on. Of course, once I started to fight back and stand up for myself, he used that as evidence that I was the toxic party and mean and the problem... Now he claims really into social justice, the ethical society, non-violent communication and women's rights and stuff, even though he doesn't see his kids or even pretend to be a decent dad. He has basically quit our whole life and gone off to start a separate one. Like a new game. It's a horrible mind game, and really destabilizing, even still.

I just put my head down, work as hard as I can to keep his crazy away from my daughters, and grind so that I can have my independence and freedom from him.[/quote]

WOW...this is dead on the scenario I see someone I know walking into. She has been told he is a know it all, hard to get to know and just a bit of an ass. But she has a kid and living with relatives and not working so she sees him as her savior. Reality is he is a narcissist  from the  core and he pretty much does the minimum for his own child and wants her to come in and take over housework and child care while he runs around in fancy cars. She is going to end up being the housekeeper with benefits. I feel bad for her but don't know her well enough to say something. Plus her best friend is telling her and she isn't listening.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics