Reply to If you are married or in a long-term partnership and you die

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having gone through it with my father wife hunting and proposing to multiple women online in the weeks after my mom died, I would say ideally wait until the kids have healed and are adjusting well to life without mom.

At a minumum I would say not until the gravestone marker has been placed and the kids have had time to visit and grieve that.  Gravestones go on about one year after the burial so that makes it 1+ years absolute minimum.

The kids needs to grieve the loss of mom through all holidays, Christmas and birthdays especially. If they can have the first Christmas to grieve and tue second Christmas to realize life goes on, that would be especially helpful.[/quote]

I would also say widowed dads need to establish legal protection to guarantee any assets that were part of mom's estate, especially family heirlooms, family property, family money, or family farms, and also property owned by the original marriage before the spouse's death, are completely protected to be passed on to her children and will not under any circumstances go to future wives, future children, or especially children/grandchildren that new wives bring to the relationship that are not related to you.  This shoukd be established before you start dating. If you are not ready to do this then you are not ready to start dating.[/quote] I'm a current first wife and I don't feel this way.  If I died and left a lot of money, my husband remarries and has more children, I would expect him to treat all of his children the same.  I know if he dies, I remarry and have more kids, I would be trying to treat all of my children equally.  If you want what you said, you should go ahead and take care of it with your will while you are alive.[/quote]

That is all rosey and good thatbyou feel that way but too often unfortunately second wives feel completely the opposite.

Over and over, more times than not, second wives of widows cut off the children from the dead wife in favor of kids they bring into the marriage, be they adults with families of their own or actual children.  How would you feel if a farm that passed down through your mother's family went to your husband's second wife's children from.her first marriage and your kids were cut off entirely?  Or your husband knew that you wanted your daughter to have great grandma's wedding set and grandpa's piano, and second wife sells tue piano on craigslist because it does not match her new decor and gives the jewelry to her own daughter? Or if you prepared for your death with a life insurance policy, thinking your husband would do tue loving and rational thing and take care of your children, but instead he blows it on a huge engagement ring, expensive trips, a big wedding and a relocation of tye woman he met online and proposed to less than one week after meeting her and less than three montys after you were buried? 
[b]
Second wives generally do not have anyone's interest but their own in mind. Many widowed men react very quickly in their grief and remarry very quickly. Usually the kind of women willing to marry a widow who they just met a few months ago who has not yet laid a gravestone on their wife's grave are not kind souls who will want to help your children grieve or to look after them as their own.  Those kind of women who jump on recently widowed grieving men are opportunistic bitches who are trying to take advantage of tye window of griefwhere people just are not thinking clearly.[/b]

If a man has not moved far enough along in his grief to honor and protect the children of his dead wife in a logical legal way, then he is not ready to begin dating.[/quote]

Yes, that pretty much describes my dad's wife.  Actually, women were throwing themselves at him almost immediately after my mom died.  In fact, the female lawyer who helped him with some paperwork/matters after my mom's sudden death said to him that "I don't usually do this" and asked him out on a date.  I would NEVER have expected my dad to have moved on so quickly, and neither did my mom: once, after watching those old movies Love Story and Love Story 2 (or whatever the sequel is called) with her, I asked her if she and my dad would remarry after the other died, and my mom said that she didn't think she or my dad would get married again for a long time after the other died because they loved each other so much.  So, shocker, my dad was dating within MONTHS of her death, and he went through a series of idiots and it terrified the young me to see the almost obsessive love in his eyes as he gazed upon his girlfriend, snuggling on our couch with her months after my mom was dead.  He put ALL of his spare time into dating, and my siblings and I were basically on our own while dad was out to dinner with his newest girlfriend.  He finally married a woman who is now his top priority, and he spends all his time with her, her kids, and her grandkids, apparently oblivious and uninterested in his blood kids and grandkids.  My mom's family heirlooms are now the new wife's, and her grandkids have destroyed some cherished mementos.  She worked super hard to ensure that my dad always had something important scheduled to do with her during any important life events of my siblings/me, and she made it clear from the beginning that she regarded me, the daughter, as an especially threatening entity: she didn't care that we were grieving, and she she moved in super fast.  If she had really loved my dad, I think she would have told him that she could see he was maybe not himself because of his grief, and gently told him to stop and think about what he was doing and how it would affect his relationship with his kids, and that when he was a little further along in the grieving process, he might actually WANT a relationship with his kids.  But instead she took advantage.  Grief is like a temporary craziness, and many, many women are desperate enough to hijack a man who is in the throes of grief to get themselves a husband.

Do not assume that you know how your husband will act in the throes of grief because, again, grief is like a temporary craziness, and there are many case studies on the grieving process, etc., that support the premise that men and women act differently in grief.  Men often remarry very quickly; their tendency is to replace the thing that was lost as quickly as they can, and if getting a new wife means that they lose their kids, they aren't too concerned by that, even if they were once loving fathers to those kids.  They will become loving fathers to their new families.

Protect your kids.[/quote]

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