Reply to Advising men and women to stay with cheating spouses, why?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I noticed some  posters encouraging a wive or husband to stay in a marriage with a cheating spouse. I keep reading comments like " seek counseling" " work it though" and "don't get divorced"

[b]Why would anyone advice a person to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated[/b] on them regardless if they are children involved? Some people just donot understand what cheating is and its impact to any relationship? Are the people encouraging this miserable and just want company? 
Is this a self-esteem problem? I have always believed  you lower self-worth staying in a relationship with a cheater. It's accepting mediocrity into your life.It's settling for the lowest. A person who cheats is a coward. Why would you want be with a coward? It's welcoming misery into you life. We have too many single men and women on the planet to have settle for a cheater.  Why lower your standards? 
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Why would anyone advise a person to stay in a marriage with a cheater?  Because of the deep sexism in our society.  Because that sexism in our culture has long made women responsible for both stirring up and restraining man's passion.  And so, we still blame women for the sexual lives of their male partners.  The unspoken stigma of cheating is that the man must have cheated because he was not satisfied in the marriage.  Perhaps the wife didn't take care of him sexually. Perhaps there was some emotional need of his not being met.  Perhaps she was too shrewish or bossy.  The entire premise of marital counseling for infidelity is that there is something wrong in the marriage and that marriage failure is in equal part the failure of the victim partner.

And, I say "man" above, because the truth is that when a woman cheats, the man is encouraged to divorce.  You don't see many cuckolded men being advised to "work it through".

You too are blaming the woman by asking if it is a "self-esteem" problem.  Do you have any idea how hard it must be to leave a cheater when vast swathes of our culture are telling us women that it's our fault?  How many years did it take the culture to come to the conclusion that "date rape" was rape by the perpetrator and not the fault of the victim?  So, we haven't gotten anywhere close to there yet with infidelity, i.e. placing the blame on the perpetrator of the behavior (and the lies and the manipulation, etc.) and not the victim.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone who has been sexually victimized by the cheater to then take voluntary actions that are likely to have a further negative impact -- losing 50% custody of the children, losing economic benefits, etc.  Yes, there is a huge gain in leaving a cheater; one doesn't have to live with that kind of emotional abuse any more.  But, let's not kid ourselves. Sadly, when women are open about the sexual violence against them, they often suffer additional repercussions.

I can guarantee you, if the law said that cheaters lose custody of their children and the victim spouse receives the marital home and enough money to continue the lifestyle the victim spouse and kids had prior to the cheating, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't DTMF.   [/quote]

Don't assume it's just men who cheat. Aside from that I think your proposal is great.  My now exDW cheated and I'm sure she loves being divorced. Got a nice little nest egg and 50% time to screw around. Frankly I'm surprised the divorce isn't way higher.
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