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[quote=Anonymous]First of all, OP, HUGS to you.
Hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs.

Of course it's natural that this sort of odd, painful coincidence would bring up some fresh feelings for you--no matter how well you've processed the past up until now.  You sound thoughtful and please, for your sake, be open to re-working through whatever you need to process. Life has brought you an opportunity to re-sift through some things, through the lens of several more years' experience and you will be better for it--whether you do this on your own or with a few sessions with a trusted, legitimate therapist.

I don't agree with the negativity of previous posters, but the advice is still the same. For everyone's sake, don't reach out to them right now. You are definitely too raw to be of any real help. You aren't in a position to help them. But even if you were, they are likely in a place that is too raw to accept help from you--the wife was obviously threatened by you or your relationship with her husband and now she's very vulnerable and it's not fair to her to give her something weird to deal with.  Additionally, the irony of the situation likely isn't lost on your ex and HE has to be the one to process that for himself.  So please don't reach out. Having said that, I don't think there's anything wrong with you donating to an on-line fundraising effort if you want. Don't overthink what just the sight of your name will do to anyone. If that will make you feel good then do it, then click "donate." If you want to do it anonymously, that's also an option. But no direct or personal reach out. Not now.

It could be that in time he might reach out to you. Obviously right now his focus is on his baby and their family's immediate struggle. And you should respect them enough to allow them that time. You also need to respect yourself and go deal with what this has brought up for you.  There might be a time in the future, where they have moved out of crisis mode and you have reconciled your feelings about it all (again) that you could reach out and offer a unique kind of assistance to them--since not many of us do have to deal with such issues and you obviously have specific experience here. But for all involved, now is not the right time.

Peace to you. and hugs.

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