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[quote=Anonymous]OP, if you know your husband would reflexively deny anything, I think this is tough.

Does he love you?  I mean, in tangible actions?  Do you feel loved by him?  It could be, like a PP cheater said above, that you went through a rough patch after your kids were gone and he did have a brief affair, or a hookup or something.  If he loves you, really loves you - I mean in actions, not just professed feelings - it's possible you could get beyond this.

I caught my then-fiance cheating.  I found a printout of a map with a very obviously sexual email address that he created for purposes of online hookups when I was out of town.  When I first discovered the map, I had no idea the extent of what he was doing.  And even though it turns out that he was completely dishonest and a sex addict, the thing is, he did love me.  Really love me.  Enough to be at least partially honest with me when I confronted him.

I basically said something like, "I love you and I think that our relationship could recover if it turns out that you may have cheated on me.  But if you turn me into a crazy person by denying it and gaslighting me and making me be a detective for the next 6 months, I will never forgive you.  So please be honest with me if you love me.  What does this mean?" and I handed him the printout.

He didn't immediately disclose everything, but he told me enough to know that he had cheated.

I join others in saying that I would lean more toward talking with him about this now than in turning yourself into a detective and driving yourself crazy.  But if you already think he's fundamentally dishonest or unloving and wouldn't respect you enough to at least come clean if you confronted him, I don't know what to say.  I'm so sorry.  This must feel like being hit by a 2x4 in the head.[/quote]

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