Reply to Should I leave or agree to counseling first?

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[quote=Anonymous]
NP here
WOW,
above posting and the following pasted is some incredible insight.  I see myself in there with the (legal) addiction.
Who ever took the time to post this information .........  Thank You.  You're a good person.

OP. I'm sorry to tell you that if your husband has a long history of this, it is unlikely he will be able to stop without highly professional help and a long period of self-work. Meanwhile, you and your kids are exposed to the negative consequences of his behavior. I know you think he is a good guy and a good father, and in one sense he probably is. But, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that he has no ability to control himself, which means that even if he is a good guy who is just being driven to make these bad decisions, he doesn't have the capacity to control or stop himself. It's impossible to live healthily in an environment like that.

I have been in a situation somewhat similar to yours. First, while it's good that your DH is open to counseling, it is really important that he get screened by a highly experienced psychiatrist who regularly treats mood-disordered patients. The psychiatrist you choose must be open to incorporating family participation/reporting in treatment, per the best practices treatment guidelines. People who have mood disorders and addictions are notorious for not accurately reporting their moods and behaviors to health professionals, thus making treatment ineffective (or worse, making treatment a danger because the psychiatrist prescribes the wrong meds based on a wrong diagnosis because of the inaccurate self-report of the patient). Sexual compulsions can be part of a mania or hypomania. They can also be a self-medicating type of response to anxiety or depression or PTSD. Do the research, pick 3 qualified people and let DH make the final choice.

It's good that your DH is open to counseling, but, if he has a mood disorder or anxiety or PTSD, then he may not be able to benefit from counseling or attain the required degree of self-control necessary for life, unless he is stabilized on medications first.

IME, I would not agree to counseling only. I would make seeing a psychiatrist regularly a non-negotiable condition of your DH continuing to have any kind of relationship with you, whether he remains in the house or you split up. Counseling as well.

Looking back on my situation, there is a dilemma. If you keep DH in the house while he is going thru the process of seeing the psych and meds, then you may have more insight into what is truly driving his issues and thus be able to make better decisions for you and the kids. You will also have more time to document his behavior for potential custody decision (and you should be documenting every thing now -- credit cards, mobile phone, key logger on the computer, records of any video downloads/purchases, time spent with kids, potential exposure of behavior to kids, etc.) The downside is that it is incredibly emotionally stressful for all of you (kids included, because they sense the tension even if they don't understand exactly what is going on). If you continue to stay together, you are also exposing yourself to the consequences of his behavior (legal and financial consequences, kids stumbling across something, etc.)

You will also have to weigh all of the above against your physical needs due to the pregnancy. Are you working? Do you have maternity leave? Start to expand your network of friends to help you. Girlfriends who babysit? Another mom or family you can exchange babysitting with? A babysitting coop? Access to full-time daycare for the kids? You need to be in a position to raise your kids on your own. In my situation, my ex agreed to full custody to me with frequent visits with the kids for him. He is able to hold himself together for a few hours where he has no real responsibility for them. This is a better arrangement for everyone, even though I wish he could be more of a father.

I know many people will tell you that it is your obligation to "work on the marriage" and "help your ill spouse" and question whether you have some role in creating a "marriage that has a hole that your DH needs to fill". But, the reality is that his issues are not your responsibility. You have neither the skill nor the power to heal him. He has to be willing to do that alone.

You might also want to try SA-anon for yourself (Sex Addiction 12 step group for family members of those with SA and sort of like Al-Anon.)

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