Reply to If you had an affair, did you bury your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.  I don't know if he compartmentalized or just began to have serious anger and resentment towards me.  From what he has said, he did think about his mistress all the time, while he was with me.  And he compared me to her constantly and decided she was better (she paid more attention to him, lavished him with complements, validated his feelings that I must not even want to be a mom if I wasn't overjoyed all of the time).  Instead of being a true friend and trying to help him work through things, she demonized me too and told him he deserved so much better (her, of course).  So it's not like he totally loved me while he was with me -he actively resented me.

Now he is just very walled off.  He doesn't feel safe around me, he says.  Like I might really be this bad person he made me out to be.  There's nothing I can do to fix that.  I just am not that person and the PPD is gone.  I have apologized till the ends of the earth for my role in what caused our initial marital issues but I do not think I can open his emotional door and I don't want to be the one doing all of the work.  He says he knows he is at fault for the affair but I think he doesn't really believe it, that instead he still blames me for the majority of our marital issues.  In reality, we were both to blame for the problems pre-affair.

Honestly, he needs to deal with his feelings for himself.  I'm not going to stick around forever and feel constantly inadequate and unloved.  It is a horrible feeling.  I can't tell him that or it will push him farther away, but every day is torture and a little bit more of me disappears.  That sounds melodramatic but it's true.  I'm going to start just focusing on me and healing myself and just try to accept that my relationship with the person who I thought was the love of my life may well be irrevocably damaged beyond repair.[/quote]

FWIW, I think you have the right perspective and you are very open and introspective.  Not to say someone is more at fault than another in an affair situation, but your DH does seem to be the one who needs to come around towards you.  Your best options are probably just to heal yourself, to better yourself, to be the person that your husband wants to be around, and if he decides for whatever reason he doesn't want to be married to you, you will be in the best possible position to meet someone worthy of your time and love.  Good luck, tough road ahead.[/quote]

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