Reply to Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband and I are about to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family; MIL, FIL, and my husband's aunt and two teenage cousins. They'll all be staying in our house for a few days. I've hosted many events/guests before with my husband, and I think we do a nice job of decorating our home, preparing for guests, and making really good food. I think of even really small and personal details, and try to go out of my way to make every guest feel welcome and comfortable.

I also go out of my way to include others who want to help, and let them know that their contributions are much appreciated. For example, the aunt likes to bring appetizers, so we always ask her to do so. MIL likes to bring desserts, so we always ask her to do so. If someone volunteers to help out, I give them things to do, and always say "thank you." When we celebrate with my husband's family, I try to make their must-have dishes/traditions the focus, and do slip in a few of my own, but do try to celebrate the holiday "their way."

However, my MIL always acts like SHE is the hostess, and tries to take over everything. For example, last year for Christmas (even though it was at our home), she e-mailed the family members who would be attending in OCTOBER and told them what dates to arrive and depart, without consulting us. She "assigned" dishes to family members who had already indicated to me they couldn't make it that year. When she arrives, she always brings TONS more food than we previously discussed, and then gets put out when there's not a lot of room for it/not an opportunity to serve it because the menus have already been planned out, and the tables and serving dishes are already overflowing. She always "announces" when we're going to serve the meal, when we'll serve the dessert, and when it's time to clean up. She even sits in the "hostess chair" at the head of the table, opposite of my husband. She always asks about things like "will there be coffee after dessert" when it's already set up because I KNOW they like coffee with dessert; I've never not served that. She always offers to bring china dishes, even though she knows I have a full set of not only "regular" wedding china, but also a full set of holiday china that my mother gave to me.

All of my husband's family are good people, and for the most part I like their visits; and I appreciate the time and attention they give to my toddler. Look, in the grand scheme of things, I know these are small things. But it's not so much each individual "thing," it's the sense that she is acting like hostess in MY home when I already am a very good hostess. She doesn't need to "fill in gaps" that I am leaving. I'm a good cook, I use nice china and silver and linen, my home is spotlessly clean, each guest has a nice place to sleep, and towels, etc. She doesn't need to "run the show," I've got it covered. And her taking over causes confusion for the other guests, when I'm the one who should be coordinating arrival dates, and when I already have info about who is not coming that year, etc.

So my question is: How do I avoid this dynamic occurring, and how do I deal with it if (and likely when) it pops up this year? 
Things I've done/am planning to do:
1) Send an e-mail clarifying logistics/food "assignments" 
2) Use place cards and make it clear that I'm sitting in the hostess seat
3) Make extra room in freeze and fridge, and "just deal" with the extra food dynamic as far as storage goes

[b]This is not a MIL vent, this is a known problem that I want to work on finding a good way to address/avoid. I do like her, and I don't need to be told that she raised my DH/I should be grateful/I'll be the MIL someday. Thank you!
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This IS a vent, you already seem like you know what to do, so do it. And these are all such small things. You really need some perspective. Dare I say it? She's family, she raised your son, and if she wants to sit in your chair, why is that a big deal?[/quote]

Those are NOT small things. She is taking over OP's house. She is taking over the planning of OP's Thanksgiving. She is physically pushing OP out of her chair and position as DH's wife.  She is no longer the center of DH's life. She is no longer the head of family holidays. Someone else is doing the work of being hostess. It's time for her to step aside and retire the hostess role. [/quote]

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