Reply to My Daughter Has Her Own Version of Reality

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]none of you appear to know adolescent development very well, or how adolescents tend to work/take in their environment... other than the cases of outright lying (curfew) which is very different, i would guess that she feels fundamentally misunderstood, perhaps patronized, and is unable to assert her independence.  Instead of assuming you are always right (which, you may be, but let's just try a different tactic), try asking her questions and starting a conversation, and try to understand her viewpoint.  Approach the conversation like you would a negotiation with a colleague: you can still go into the conversation with your own agenda and your own idea of what you want, but you have to "play nice" and hear the other person out.  She will feel respected, perhaps grow more confident in asserting her needs/desires or wishes, and maybe you guys can start to figure out what the real problems are.  If you want to see change in her, your approach needs to change, and it has to be genuine.  [/quote]

Be careful - most teens go through some argumentative phase where their reality does not match their parents, but OP's description of her daughter goes far beyond that. Plus she says her husband and herself have been worried for some time. This is not typical behavior, and needs to be studied and addressed.

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I am the PP you quote.  Someone else asked this too -- can you explain where you are getting the idea that this behavior "goes far beyond"?  Obviously, I disagree.  I maintain my point about the lying, but I dont see specifics that indicate this is anything beyond a power play by the tween because she does not feel heard or understood.  [/quote]

Because like other PPs, I have experienced this, I understand the OP, and feel that her concern is deep-seated and not just a passing annoyance that her child is asserting herself. Have you read the Steve Jobs biography? If you read it you'll know exactly how extreme and intractable that type of behavior is. People like this will be quite ready to believe the whole world is wrong if they are told by multiple people that what they are doing is incorrect. They are always right. You can never win. They will twist your words to suit their vision, and accuse you of the most ridiculous things to deflect your focus on their actions. And they are usually highly persuasive and incredibly stubborn people, because they actually believe in what they're saying, at least in the moment. Then if they change their minds later to a more rational way of thinking, they won't understand that you're upset about their past behavior. Severity of symptoms vary, like any spectrum.

It's not adolescence. It's a disorder that needs to be managed and lived with. My husband has episodes like this. For him compromise = he loses.

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PP - So how do you help these teens??  My DD is going into her last year of HS and I'm concerned.  What can I do now to help her?[/quote]

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