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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's hard to discuss, in part, because there are so many variables. People tend to project their experience on to the discussion and other people respond, projecting their own different experiences.

I can't relate to the "it's just physical, I'll go to a prostitute" people. That just seems like complicated masturbation. Sex is (or in my mind should be) an expression of the love or at least interest of another person. So, if my wife can't get her mind into sex, it's really no compromise to me if she just gives me her body. That's bad for both of us.

If there is a clear, physical reason for her disinterest in sex, that at least reduces or eliminates the feelings of rejection. Psychological or hormonal causes may be every bit as debilitating for her, but it's harder for me to perceive that source of disinterest as something other than her rejection of me as a person.

It also feels like a rejection when she kind of puts her head in the sand about her disinterest. [b]Even if she wants to want to have sex with me, it feels like doing nothing is a "win" for her [/b]and she doesn't have a strong incentive to try to change the status quo. [/quote]

The bolded part is pretty messed up.[/quote]

As soon as I read that, I knew someone would pounce on it, but I often feel the same way. I try not to. I certainly doing think of it as if I'm winning when we do have sex.

But if we're also using terms like compromise, then we're discussion negotiations, in which there are usually winners and losers.

[/quote]

You have a very cold view of marriage if you see efforts to accommodate both spouses' needs as creating winners and losers. I'm winner in my marriage when we're both happy. If either of us is unhappy in the marriage, then it's an unhappy marriage and I'm a loser, even if I'm supposedly getting my way.[/quote]

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