Reply to What about this as a breach of trust?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here again - a lot to unpack here. Won't do a point by point, but there's a theme about my need to control and blame.  I appreciate you keeping me honest there - I am really trying to not come from that place and its hard to convey a full meaning in an online post.[/quote]

Hi OP, I'm the person going back and forth with you; it is a long list, and I snipped it in the quotes.  In re-reading my previous stuff, I'm being pretty aggressive towards you and I'm not altogether happy with that tone either - as you said, hard to convey a lot of things online.

[quote]It isn't about blame or changing/improving an individual person - it's about changing/improving our current dynamic given where we are today.[/quote]

FWIW, that sounds really solid to me.

[quote]Which, frankly, is different than we were 10 years ago when we first met or 6 years ago when we got married and then had our first child within the first two years after. I am a mother now - a same person to the core, but have different roles, responsibilities, perspectives. I'm also older...and would like to say wiser, but maybe not.  And you know what, he's gone through changes too.  He's evolved and changed in many ways since we first met and married.[/quote]

People and circumstances change - I think that's life and it's totally valid for you to expect/want other things to change.  Particularly with children coming into your life.

[quote]And no one has given any ultimatums - not me, not my therapist on my behalf.  When he said i told you don't make me choose, that wasn't because I had said you have to choose.[/quote]

My bad...I [b]ass[/b]umed and kind of filled in those blanks.

[quote]It was the response to me saying I'm uncomfortable with the current state and my therapist confirming that im feeling discomfort in that session. So we need to talk about what will work - and what won't. The immediate response though that it wasn't on the table for discussion at therapy really threw me for a loop but I think was a natural reaction given the way the issue was raised. So I'll keep trying to talk to him - in therapy or alone or in some other facilitated way. But can't separate or leave just yet. You are right - I have major issues.[/quote]

I think he's feeling super-threatened, and that kind of defensiveness is probably an automatic response no matter how you approach it.  Like the other posters, I also think, based on the two people I mentioned, that the odds are really poor, largely because unless your husband is open to seeing he's got problems and working on them, then things aren't going to change.  Weed is pretty exceptional for tamping down the world, including all those signals that things aren't good.

Based on a 3rd person I know closely, who ultimately did NA successfully (I'm not personally a fan of 12-stepper-ism, but whatever works!), sometimes the cliche about hitting bottom is real.  Maybe the real threat of a separation will shake him up, but definitely continue down the path of telling him it's a real issue for you.  If that is what your therapist was doing, then I retract the pretty critical comments I was making about them.

You, on the other hand, seem to recognize you need to make changes and are actively working on that, which makes you sound a lot healthier to me than where he is.

Good luck to you...for real.  Sorry I was being so harsh before.  [/quote]

Thanks for responding - I wasn't judging your post as too harsh - I came here looking for people to challenge my views as much as I was here looking for affirmation and support.  This is a process that I am in up to my eyeballs (if not higher), and so it is difficult to see clearly.  I really appreciate your honesty and thoughts.  There are many things that I need to work on and make changes to on my end too - and I am working those things actively and deliberately.  In some ways maybe in ways not everyone agrees with (e.g., Lexapro), but in others where I think everyone could agree are healthy and good steps (e.g., individual psychotherapy/CBT, meditation, deep-breathing, etc.)  I hit my rock-bottom on the Fairfax Psych Ward.  I'm not sure what his rock bottom would be - it wasn't that.  I too fear that you and others are right, but I still have hope.  Because my husband is generally a very open-minded guy.  We'll see if that openness can extend to this issue - notwithstanding the outburst the other day.  here's hoping.[/quote]

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