Reply to What about this as a breach of trust?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here - yes, PP think that's exactly the right question.  Whether it is a dealbreaker.  I don't think it is under a different set of circumstances - I truly do not take issue with recreational use. But I think we differ in what we consider recreational. I think the fact that he says don't make me choose suggests that this goes beyond recreational use to some kind of addiction.  And all the things that come after the "but" in your post thst concern me. Custody of our kids, etc., yeah that would get messy and complicated. But any messier than continuing in a marriage with someone that says he would never ever quit?  When, by the way, that's not even necessarily what I asked him to do? And even if I did - really? I just can't believe he said it like that. I don't remember him saying it like that before, but if he did, it was pre-marriage, pre-kids, pre- oh so much!  Is that really a dealbreaker for HIM?  And that he was won't even discuss it with me in therapy???  [/quote]OP, I'm sorry to tell you this but you are married to an addict. You keep hoping he will change his frequency of use and wanting him to be reasonable about it but that's not going to happen. He's basically told you as much. My best advice is to stop running the refrain in your head that "if only he would limit his smoking to recreational use..." and to move forward with the grieving process by learning to accept that he's not going to change. Anything else is just about distracting yourself from what is really happening. Check out Nar-Anon. I haven't gone but I do go to Al-Anon and find it helpful.

Again, so sorry, OP. It sucks. [/quote]

OP here - You may indeed be right.  But I feel like at this stage, I owe it to my family, him and myself to try everything possible to get it to work.  It may be that, like any addict, recreational use as I think of it (the equivalent of a glass at wine at night) is not a possibility for him.  And if that is the case, then yes, it will be time to move forward.  But I haven't yet gone through those steps because I wasn't seeing it as an addiction.  Now I think I do and I'm going to move ahead as such.  You could be right that I am in the "bargaining" stage and that ultimately that won't work.  I do need professional help with this - which is why I'm seeking it.  I will check out Nar-Anon - that could be helpful (I've been through Al-Anon in regard to my father's alcoholism and did not find that to be).  Thanks.[/quote]

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