Reply to When one spouse wants to leave DC and one doesn't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am also a stay at home mom so I am going to say this as gently as I know how. Your husband is happy with his job. So long as he is doing well at work and being a good husband and father, that is all you can ask. Now for you. There are a lot of living options in the d.c. area. You have a right to live in a situation that you like. If you want some land, you can easily get it. If you want city living, you can have it. If you want the suburbs, you can have it. You own two homes so aren't hurting for money. If cost is an issue, sell one of your homes and use the money to do what you want. Sell both homes and buy one that you really can be happy in. Richmond is easy to get to and I say this as a woman who cannot drive due to a disability. If you want to see your family and they want to see you, that's easy to manage. If they aren't willing to pick you up at a train sometimes, or drive you back, and your husband isn't willing to do likewise, living in Richmond will suck and will suck bad. I say this on the off chance that you also can't drive. My point is that you have a lot of options in the D.C. area. It isn't "Richmond or nothing". Now if your husband is unwilling to discuss a move within the d.c. area, or he is an absentee father and husband (they are different skill sets) or he comes home from work "stressed" or "tired" (all code words for taking out his bad mood on the family) then you do have other issues. Richmond will not fix them. As an aside and a compromise, you guys may like Frederick MD. It's got lots of family friendly stuff, even a minor league ballpark just like Richmond. It has universities, just like Richmond. It has a nice downtown and nice suburbs, just like Richmond. All it doesn't have is your family. And, if your family matters *that* much to you, you need to think about why. What is wrong in your marriage or with your family that a two hour drive is just too far away. [/quote]

+1 from a SAHM.  OP, I was in your exact same situation on the west coast (with LA being the big city; my hometown 2 hours away).  I kept going home on the weekends, and developed no roots in the town inside LA where I lived.  My DH had to be in a big city due to the nature of his job.  He could have maybe gone but it would have been a dramatic departure from his career path and I don't think he'd be happy.

I didn't see how old your kids were, but once my kids got into school, I realized I had to stop pining, and develop roots in that LA town. It's easier when the kids are in school because you've got that built-in social entree.   And I resigned myself to it, and ended up with a nice community.  It's been 12 years now since I "gave up" and it was better for me and my DH. (as an aside, we are currently in DC but just briefly)
 
I was just in my hometown visiting family over the holidays, and I will tell you, it will always sting a little.  I am not the covetous type, but I do feel that unfulfilled yearning and frustration every time I'm there.  I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about how I was in my hometown for Christmas Eve mass and how I imagined what it would have been like if my kids had gone to school there, and how their lives would be.

But our lives are not over and funny, after I've given up on it all, within the last couple of weeks we realized an unusual avenue that may open the door to us for living there in a few years.  So the irony of it all is now that I've got all these LA roots, I'm not sure I'd pull them up.  I've muddled my way into some great friendships.  Which is saying something about how, if you put your mind to it, you can get to like where you are.  But you have to give up on the idea of moving back to your hometown (in the short term) in order to put those roots down.

If your DH would be unhappy in your home town, then I think you've got to let it drop.  You don't want to end up surrounded by your extended family but with a miserable DH.  Yes they would be supportive in any resulting divorce but let's avoid all that!  Just keep your eyes on the prize and that is to set your family up to succeed![/quote]

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