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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my dad died last year and while my mom hasn't done hoarding (just the opposite; she is decluttering a lot), I do understand how the death of a partner of 50+ can leave people with a sense of not knowing how to move forward. In this case I think you were fine to clean and declutter--as long as you weren't going around with a disdainful and self-righteous attitude of 'ew, your house is gross' that would only serve to irritate your dad and sister (who is basically living there). Assuming you were not, don't feel guilty. I mean, it was a health issue for the most part.

Maybe leave the topic alone for a bit and avoid any decluttering/throwing out/replacing for the near term, and in a short while when you'd like to clear out something else, bring up the topic in general such as, "I know you were really upset when I did X and Y before. It was only because I'm concerned that rodents/insects are really hard to eliminate if they're left alone in your cupboard, and I want you to relax and not have to deal with such issues at this point. And I want you to have things in full functioning condition as well. On that note, I *do* think it would be good for you to [hire a cleaner/agree to replace this old rug {or whatever}]; can I start looking into this with you?"

In the meantime, perhaps you can also find some other momento worth honoring, such as getting out an old photo and putting it in a frame, or just finding something that you'd like that's in the back of a shelf and bringing it forward to dust off, saying, "I've always liked this beautful shell that mom collected, and I think it's worth making it more visible." that is a nod to some PP's suggestions that clearing out old things was, in your dad's eyes, dishonoring your mother. I cant' see that this is the case with old potholders, but put the focus on the things you *do* want to honor.

My (unmarried) sister also got weird about my dad's items....all of a sudden wanted claim to knicknacks she'd never interested in, as if by holding on to these items she would 'know her father better' as she put it. Fortunately they were things no one else wanted, but it did cause a little tension when my mom was decluttering and my sister was up in arms. She also started telling my kids some exaggerated stories about my dad's expertise in baseball, which he loved watching but never played regularly. So grief does this to people....Hopefully you can get your dad to move forward mentally and socially. It's hard for my mom, and  so I sympathize.

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