Reply to Getting seperated...what is fair?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Getting seperated...what is fair?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thanks for the responses. We have ironed out a bunch on our own.  We used the online calculator to come up with $1500 in child support with the kids on his insurance and me on my own insurance. Does this seem about right?

We are trying to do collaborative divorce due to the finances and children involved.  It has not been easy.  His first idea was that I would move out and I would watch the kids for him until he could get home (sometimes not until 8 or 9 when he plays sports or whatever).  Then, pick them up to go to school the next day. Basically, I was supposed to continue catering his schedule (raising the kids as usual), but also get a second job and live elsewhere.

I don't suspect a physical affair, because he most of his outside activities are with men we both know. However, I recently found out that he has been keeping in touch with an old girlfriend who lives far away.  While hurtful that he lied and hid it, I don't think it really matters at this point.

On the retirement point, I just wanted to say thayt I am not out for anything that is his.  Yes, he earned it at a job that compensates him for his work.  There was a year, aside from my bed rest pregnancies and maturnity leaves, that I stayed home for various reasons.  We have a child with some special needs and the cost of a private special preschool was as much as I made.  I have a background in this, so it made sense for me to stay home.  I worked harder during that year than any year of my life. My husband has been apart of these decisions and OUR children benifited.  There were times when I did work full time.  However, as a natural consequence of taking time off or going part-time, my earning power and retirement has suffered.  It did not seem like a huge sacrifice to me when the idea was that we both would have the comfort of his retirement (which we have always put more into).  We have never had to pay childcare, and he benifited from my contributions to the household (saved on expensive interventions with my son).  It just seems unfair that the rules of the game should change in the middle.   I am not asking for half his retirement, but a portion based on the length of our marriage.

[/quote]

You are right to ask for a portion of retirement.  I would be a little careful on collaborative divorce.  I sometimes feel it focuses more on the collaboration and less on what you have a right to.  You absolutely have a right to 50% of whatever was contributed to his retirement fund during your years together.

Just want to say that the his first idea of you moving out but continuing to care for the kids is laughable -- glad you could see that.  Our culture often doesn't take into account the ways in which the woman's contribution of caring for the children negatively affects her career path and opportunities and ability to save for retirement etc.  Your husband absolutely should provide some alimony on top of child support if you need that until your annual income increases (and this may be for several years after you start working again, not just until the first job you get).

$1500 sounds low to me, particularly if you have a SN child with who will need evaluations, therapy, and perhaps even private school.  Did you factor these needs into the child support calculator?  Make sure you don't leave the collaborative divorce table without explicit agreements on how medical, therapeutic and educational decisions will be made for the SN child and how payment will be divided.

Do not make any decisions about the debt until the husband lays out all debt -- not just how much but also for what purpose it was spent and which debt was taken with your knowledge and without.  Would also advise you to comb thru past credit card statements, etc.  If he has been in touch with an old girlfriend, there may or may not be more there.  I would want to know if some of that "joint debt" was racked up for activities with another girlfriend.

You can get a lawyer at an hourly rate for 1-2 hours before you agree to become a client and have to pay a retainer.  Lay out all your assets and ask for a thumbnail sketch of what the lawyer thinks is likely/appropriate in terms of a fair split on assets and debt and child custody issues.  Frankly, I would do this with at least one non-collaborative attorney practice and one collaborative attorney.  Ask the collaborative attorney -- do you have a client duty to represent me and only me?  do you have a fiduciary duty to represent my best interests?  does what I share with my collaborative attorney stay private, i.e. is there still an attorney/client privilege in the collaborative process? what happens if we can't agree in the collaborative process?  how does the collaborative process ensure that I get access to all information about finances --debts and assets?  It's critical for you to shop around and find someone with whom you are comfortable. You should also ask both kinds of attorneys what is the normal arrangement vis-a-vis fees for the split -- are they paid for out of joint marital assets, or is each party expected to pay separately after the divorce is complete.  The latter would put you at a real disadvantage and is probably somewhat negotiable.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics