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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not so sure that the mom is really "loving this" and bus that messed up. I think her pride is really, really hurt and her sense of identity is threatened, in a way, since she invested so much in being a good mom and, from your note, it may seem that you are treating you and her ex exactly the same. She probably feels she merits BETTER treatment, and I'm not sure I blame her if she did most of the work.

What exactly did you say in that nite, anyway?  It seems to me you or your DH can probably win her back with a phone call explaining that you don't really understand the family relationships and were just trying to be friendly, but that you probably wrote things DH wouldn't have. FWIW.

My mom has a strong sense of pride and has stopped speaking to me for weeks and once a few months when I said something in jest that she took too heart. I don't blame her. It's the way she is built. She grew up during the depression when resources were scarce, and if you lose her trust you have to apologize and gain it back. But she is very strong and loving and protective of the people she trusts and loves. Try to see her side a bit instead of treating her, as others here suggest, as the crazy, desperate, controlling mother-in-law. It sounds to me like you really hurt her feelings.

What did you write in FIL's letter?  And in your follow up apology that you say was ignored?  If it was the wrong sort of apology, full of your own pride, it might have hurt instead if helped. [/quote]
You are so off base it is sad. This MIL is SICK. This is not pride and if it were she needs to tamp it down. Emotionally healthy parents do NOT pit children against their other parent and then stop  speaking to them because the kid has a relationship with the other parent. A grown child should not be begging any parent forgiveness for having a relationship with their own father. <b>Your mother's  off base behavior has tainted your perspective.</b>[/quote]

Step off, lady. My mom gave up everything for me, scrimped and saved and denied herself things most take for granted to send me to good schools, and if she needs me to show her I love her now and then because I have said something dopey, I do it gladly. My mom has earned it over the course of YEARS devoted to us.

If MIL and FIL haven't talked to one another in 20 years, does that mean FIL paid no child support and MIL raised the kids she had completely on her own?  Because that is no cake walk now and certainly was even harder for a woman on her own 20 years ago. We also don't know why they split, and there could be very good reasons for MIL wanting kids to stay away from FIL (drug/alcohol abuse, physical/sexual abuse, mental disorders, etc.).  If this is just a regular split up and divorce than I mostly agree with you that it is weird and wrong for a mom to be trying to stop her kid from having a relationship with the dad, but there could be layers of stuff here we (and possibly even OP) don't know.[/quote]
Give me  a break! This woman's children are adults and they have a right to have a relationship with their father whether the mother likes it or not.
I'm almost 50 years old my parents were divorced and my father never paid a dime of child support but my mother was mature enough emotionally healthy enough and self secure enough to allow me and to support  a relationship with my father. 
And my dad had a host of issues, but my mother did not let that warp her emotional health or allow her hurt to screw me up.
Hey,  I feel sorry for MIL, I think it's more than obvious that she has a number of deep-seated issues and likely a lot of unhealed hurts. HOWEVER, personal pain is not a permission slip to emotionally warp, play games with and psychologically torture other people, especially her children.
She needs help and so does OP's DH![/quote]

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