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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my heart breaks for you.  Aside from the fact that I don't have your financial resources, I was in your emotional space 5 years ago exactly -- my own happiness, my ability to find peace in my daily existence, seemed to hinge on the condition of my brother's bipolar illness.  When he was okay, I could be okay, but I was always bracing for a return to mania.

My brother was more independent than yours (he held down a job, was a community leader, etc.), and he was an extraordinarily decent and good man.  He fought his illness bravely and as best he could.  But he was destabilized after the birth of his second child (lots of loss of sleep as his wife was battling PPD).  I left DC to go to New England to care for the family for weeks at a time, but I had already given up over two years of working to take care of my elderly dad before his death, and I told myself that I had to draw more healthy, reasonable boundaries.  So I came back home here, knowing he was under a doctor's care and that I couldn't live my life trying to live his.

He died from bipolar disorder by suicide about a month after I got back home.  It was completely and totally unexpected -- my greatest fear was his mania, and he didn't even seem depressed.  Doctors say it was a "mixed manic" state.  He had never expressed suicidality.  He didn't plan to die; it was the impulse of a moment in which he was overwhelmed with despair and fear and he had no impulse control.

I will feel guilty forever.  But my rational mind knows that I may not have been able to stop it, and that I could not control him or fix him or cure him, even though I spent a lot of my life trying to do so.

Nowadays, I try to thank God for the blessing of his stability as long as he was stable, and for the fact that he survived as long as he did and was able to do such good in the world while he was here.  I miss him terribly.

It has been hard to have a life where I focus on myself and my own future.  Too long I had been focused on my parents' and my brother's happiness and health.  I got married and had a child since I lost my brother.  I know that probably would never have happened had he lived; I still would have been too focused on him.  Still, I would trade it all to have him back -- that's not to say that I don't love my own child more than anything in the world, but the heartbreak of my brother's death will forever hurt his two children who already existed, and I would never break their hearts just so I could be happy.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  I feel for what you are going through.  I hope you find support and help.  Your happiness can't be dependent on your brother's stability - that's a recipe for you being as crazy as he is, honestly.  Do you have a good therapist for yourself?[/quote]

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