Reply to Sister-In-Law: I don't get along with her...any advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi - This is OP.  It's not that my sister-in-law and I are just different.  If we were just different, then that would be fine.  I think she is a mean, perhaps abusive person.  For example, the last time that I visited my brother and sister-in-law  - it's a long story - but I had to fight back my tears at one restaurant (literally biting my lip and squeezing my hand).  She was acting irrational at the table and literally ignored me from the other side of the table when I tried to talk to her.  I had done nothing to her, and there was no excuse for just ignoring someone.   I tried to ask my brother why she was so upset with me and my brother just said she just gets like that some times.  Another example, is that I know she said something to my daughter at one point when I was not around.  I had to run back in the house to grab something and when I came out my daughter was looking like she was about to cry.  I asked my daughter what had happened and she just stared at my sister-in-law and wouldn't say anything.  On the one hand, I really, really want to see my nieces but is it worth it if my sister in law is so awful?????? [/quote]

Oh, I just saw this part of your post…
OP, there is no point in toughing it out for the sake of the children if your SIL is abusive (or mean, or whatever--negative) toward your children.

My SIL (brother's wife) is very judgmental and very black and white in her thinking about things.  She will get some opinion of someone in her head and there is no aspect of reality that can shake it.   And she has these opinions, weird opinions about people that have zero basis in fact and even when she realizes her original story is wrong, it doesn't change her opinion.  Like years ago, she decided I was a thief because I gave my toddler an ornament off a restaurant's Christmas tree.  But she didn't know that the restaurant lady actually gave it to my toddler and I was only taking it to be nice.  She decided from that point on I was a petty thief, which would be HILARIOUS if it weren't so problematic for the family relations.  And also it was pretty irritating; I've got many faults that she could latch on to, but petty theft is not one of them, so I felt unfairly typecast.

Also at every family gathering, she was getting mad about something we did or said and we'd hear about it through my brother a week or so later.  We were walking on eggshells…

I put up with it for years (normally I don't but it was part of a larger issue of keeping peace because it looked like my mom was going to die.

She sometimes made strange comments about my DD (I'll call her Larla).

Anyways one day we were in my mom's town to attend a funeral, and my SIL and I were walking to a restaurant for breakfast with our kids.  The kids were around 5 through 8 y.o.  I suggested that we let the four kids have their own table so we could chat and they could practice their restaurant manners.  My SIL said she didn't want to do that because when left alone, "it becomes, Lord of the Flies."

I was thinking, "WTF?  Lord of the Flies?"  I mean, these are all pretty good kids.  Well, whatever, she's such a helicopter parent that ok, whatever, right?

Then we're all at the same table and her 7 y.o. son (we'll call him Aiden) starts singing some naughty song to the Barney theme.  "They cut off Barney's head…" (that's about as bad as it got)

SIL says, "Oh, Aiden, don't sing that, don't sing that!"  (lots of correction dialog here)
I said, "What's he singing?"

SIL: Oh, it's just, it's just, oh, LARLA taught Aiden that song, that horrible, song, yes, Larla taught him…Larla....
Me:  Really?  I've never heard it before
SIL:  You haven't heard it?  Aiden!  Aiden--Sing Auntie Z the song.
Aiden:  no…you told me not to...
SIL:  Sing it!  Sing it!  Sing it for Auntie Z!
Me:  No really it's ok
SIL:  Sing it Aiden!
Aiden: "They cut off Barney's head…(etc)"
SIL:  See.  That horrible song that Larla taught him…
Aiden:  Noooo.  No, mom.  Larla never taught me that song!
SIL:  Yes she did
Aiden:  No, she didn't.  Larla didn't teach me that song.  I learned it at school.
SIL:  Larla didn't teach you that song?
Aiden:  No, mom.  I learned it at school!
SIL:  Are you SURE?  Larla didn't teach you that song?……….

And I sat there and was like, holy sh*t, she thinks MY daughter is the "Lord of the Flies" kid!  And then some of the other weird minor comments she's made about DD over time sort of fell into place.

And from that point on, forget it.  I'll take a hit so the cousins can play together, but I won't have my daughter take a hit.[/quote]

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