Reply to Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?

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Reply to "Blended family - does a stepmom have a 'say' in anything?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again - just want to clear up a few things:

my Step daughters call me 'Mom' most of the time. They love me and I love them.

They love their step sibling - they all came together very young.  They are very close.

My point re: the laundry, etc. is that I have all parental obligations and tasks - I just want some input into a schedule and financial decisions that impact us all. [b]Or as. A step parent do you just get the tasks and no say? I honestly don't know how it should work and I want to know if I have realistic expectations  or need to adjust them or something.[/b]

My issue here is not really with them - I expect kids to push back to whatever is advantageous to them. This is really more about how DH and I discuss things and come to decisions as a team for the whole family.

And for those who have avoided remarriage for these reasons I do understand. This is waaaayyy tougher than I ever imagined. But I still think there are benefits - that is why I am still here.

I guess I just thought since we are the only parents to all 3 we would be making more equal decisions.
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OP, I've posted a couple of times before on this thread but I just wanted to reiterate some of the things I've said in response to the bolded statement.  You're in a tough situation - and of course it's worth it but it's tough nonetheless.  It doesn't really matter what others do or how it is for other families - it really only matters what works for you, your DH, and all three of your kids.  Part of that equation needs to be balancing your desire to be included in decisions that impact you and your DC (which is totally fair), and any autonomy your DSC and DH need to preserve as they heal from their grief (which, regardless of how much they all love you, takes a LOOOOONG time - trust me on this).  It sounds like you and your DH really need some counseling to figure out how you can best handle this as a family.  Other families (step or otherwise) make their decisions in this regard for very individualized reasons and there are too many variables in each individual situation to worry about what is par for the course for others.  As I've said before, I'd encourage you to also step back a bit and pick your battles.  Think about whether you are annoyed that you weren't consulted but the activities themselves are fine, or if the activities your DSC are choosing force you to cancel activities you've chosen for your DSC or if the cost of the activities forces you as a family to give up other important things (vacations, travel to see your family, etc.).  That is partly why I asked before about how you make decisions for your DC.  Either way, I'd pick your battles.  Can you and DH come to a budget on activities for each child but then allow the children some autonomy in decision making?  Or have all three kids sit down to discuss schedules so that [i]they[/i] can see how their choices impact each other?  I think it's important to figure out what part of the process is not working for your family, and then fix that, rather than insist on being included out of principal.  Love and resentment can live side by side, and even if you are wrong - and I do think you are not wrong - there is also a lot to be said (and it will pay itself back in bounds for the rest of your life) for being the adult and giving grieving children a break.[/quote]

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