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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Someone who finds multiple ways to insult and bad mouth his ex on H's frost date with another woman has a lot of issues. How people speak of past relationships says a lot about them.[/quote]

How do speak kindly about an ex who had you falsely arrested for domestic violence and who keeps you from seeing your kids?[/quote]

You don't speak of the ex at all on the first date, other than to establish that you are divorced. Why in the world would you get into the gory details with someone you have literally just met?

My first husband was truly and utterly an asshole, but ultimately the only man I had that in-depth conversation with was the man who would become my second husband. There was just no reason to get into that level of detail on first dates.

And even though my ex was an asshole, I still played my part in the dissolution of the relationship with him. 't takes two to ruin a marriage. I was okay with slinging a little mud about him once I had the conversation (as I'm sure he did about me!) but in no version of the story is everything entirely his fault, and in no version of the story is everything he said a lie and everything I did totally the right choice and completely justified. Come to think of it, in any strained or failed relationship scenario - friendships, family, romance, marriage - I think it's cowardly for a person to say that everything that went wrong was the other person's responsibility. Rarely is life that black and white, and real instances of a spouse (or whatever) just going totally batshit psycho are rare.

Own your piece of it, and don't spill it to someone who is basically a stranger at that point.[/quote]

I don't even know where to start

1) You have young kids, even if you want to trust him you need to add an extra level of scrutiny because kids are involved.  Between reading in the news about child abuse, domestic violence, and murder/suicides, I can't understand why you wouldn't take more time to get to know this person before intertwining your life with him ...and this is before you even factor the six domestic violence calls.  What harm is there in giving things more time ..if he is "the one", taking things slow, building trust etc will only strengthen the relationship, it shouldn't cause you to lose him.
2) This brings me to the second point that it is hard to have perspective when you move that fast . You are more likely to ignore red and yellow flags because you are too caught up thinking he is the one that you will force the facts to fit your fantasy.  For example, you can take a fact like John didn't call you to make plans for this weekend when he said he would and come up with a heck of a story like the battery was probably on the blitz or that's right he had spotty cell phone coverage a month ago, maybe that happened again and he cant call out. Theoretically it could be those reasons but instead of being like WTF, you will make up a story that allows John to be the good guy you've built him up to be and not face possible character flaws like he is unreliable or hurtful possibilities like he is more interested in someone else.
3) I  still haven't heard how he has really owned any of his stuff nor has the allegedly crazy ex changed his level of scrutiny or trust.  It sounds more like that person that says how every roommate is crazy and you meet old roommates or you or a friend becomes a roommate of that person and realize the common dominator is that person.  I'm very suspicious when someone claims nothing at all was their fault.  In my own life with say a work situation that went sour, I try to think of what I could have done differently, what I would do differently, and try to do the difficult work of owning my sh$$, figuring why I played the role I did, and make an effort to learn from that experience.
4) If this was your daughter, what would you tell her, what would your mother tell you, what would you say to your best friend if she told you this story or what would you imagine she would say about your post? I can't imagine you would say go forward full steam ahead to someone seeking your advice or that close friends and family would tell you to throw caution to the wind.  Try to step outside the situation and how good he makes you feel etc. and try best you can to be objective.

Last piece of advice I would give is don't be afraid to be alone.  Wanting so badly to be in a relationship can cause a person to enter and stay in bad relationships and can make you a prime target for guys that will take advantage of you.  Also, you being happy shouldn't be dependent on the guy making you happy.  I could be wrong but I was getting the impression you could only be happy if you found love again. It wasn't a situation where you had a full and rich life and were happy on your own but hoped you could find someone to enhance your life but if you didn't oh well.  I'm happy with DH and couldn't imagine being with any other person but I don't depend on him to be happy. There have been times that I've been unhappy about some part of my life and I feel it is up to me to figure out how to fix it, DH may be a sounding board, but I have that responsibility to myself and to my family that depends on me.
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