Reply to What to do about chronic lying, esp. about homework? Says he just can't help it.

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[quote=Anonymous]Very easy for others to say "let him fail" and "let him suffer natural consequences." But you did that already and it did not work, right? If those Cs and Ds earlier did not affect him enough to turn him around -- well, those were his "natural consequences" for not doing homework before, and it didn't have enough impact to change his ways. Did you visit any serious consequences on him for those grades at that time?

Go the other direction and crack down on monitoring him, and the kind folks of DCUM will scream that you're being a helicopter parent. But frankly, that's the route I'd try now for two reasons: One, he is 14, not in elementary school; very soon, his grades will truly affect whether he goes to college. Two, there may be something else going on here that is not just about laziness and lies and if that's the case, you need to find out what it is now.

As someone else noted: Can't you see his daily assignments on FCPS Blackboard, or Edline, or whatever online assignment tracking system your school uses? And you mention that there is a daily checklist for his homework -- is this in a planner notebook that the school assigns to students? (Many schools now do this so I figure that's what you mean--?). It sounds like you need to check both the online system and the planner notebook daily with him standing right there. And then, rather than asking him to let you see his homework as you say you have done -- you tell him you will see it, and if you are tracking it with the system and the planner, you should know if he's done it all.

If he has extracurriculars, I'd consider simply suspending those until he proves he can do his assignments regularly and completely and be trusted to do them -- no sport or whatever until the homework is an established routine that gets completed. I'd tell him that this is not a punishment -- yet -- but a reboot: Everything is stopping for now until the homework situation is working and then it restarts and continues as long as the homework continues to happen as it should.

I think I'd do all this after a serious consultation with his teachers. If he has one homeroom teacher you could deal with that one, but if he's in middle school and has a team of teachers, you might need to ask for a meeting with that team plus the counselor (some schools have counselors who specialize in helping kids learn to be better organized --ours does -- and that is the person you need). Is your son doing OK in classes? Does he participate or is he hiding in the back? Is he still doing well on tests and quizzes? Are there other behavioral issues you might be unaware of? What do the teachers observe about him -- does he seem to have any motivation or is he going through the motions? Why does he say "I can't help it" -- is it possible that he feels he's not smart enough, or doesn't get things right so he gives up, etc.? There could be issues of inadequacy or even depression. Or...it could be plain old "I hate homework." But I'd show him I was very serious by involving the teaching team and counselor and getting involved with daily checks of homework -- with your eyeballs on the work, not just letting him say "I did it."  Ask the teachers for ideas.

As for doing other stuff online: Put the computer in the kitchen or living room and sit there doing your own thing while he is on it, period. No computer in his room, period. Don't negotiate or let him complain about it. The computer moves and that's that.

As for your husband, it sounds like you might have to tell him bluntly to back off while you delve into what's going on and while you make your own procedure for helping your son turn this around. If dad is interfering when home and tries to do things differently from you -- frankly dad needs to let you handle it.[/quote]

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