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[quote=Anonymous]OP here: thank you everyone for the great tips and all the thoughts... It really helps to spell things out and read the feedback...

I wanted to share some background to our relationship with H. 
When we met he was separated, I was a single professional, both in their early 30s. He told me how his wife was "concentrated on the child", did not care for him anymore, became very "suburban" in her boss and dreams- wanted to have a big house, two kids, etc etc. I now  understand that there were huge red flags- these "she's not taking care of me" ideas, not too interested in kids, lazy. I was not completely innocent, but had zero understanding of married life- so I took his complaints at face value.

He was very much attracted to me. He files for divorce (he had a 6 yo daughter), we move in together quickly. He is not crazy about being a father but does whatever needs to be done (child support, seeing his daughter, etc). He does not want more kids but agrees to that if ts important to me.

I really like him, sexual attraction, even love- but I have a hard time respecting him. He has no college degree and thinks its ok to just get a degree from a third tier college (which he does while living with me); he is a good professional but seems to make chaotic career choices; he has some debt and seems to be less than perfect in his financial decisions. We argue a lot on things from politics to video games; we are very different but committed to make it work.
I tried to break up with him several times but it seems I had some motherly instinct towards him plus physical attraction plus I wanted to settle down and he seemed so accessible so to speak. 
We got married and had a baby and things just went downhill from there... I was a bit overly hormonal at first, he on the other hand was not always helpful and understanding, but expected love and passion from me... As things went back to normal (or rather the new normal), I did regain some of my attraction to him, but probably not enough for him, plus he was hurt, plus he wasn't exactly the most attentive and helpful spouse and parent, so somehow things didn't get better (even though I was now able to devote more time to him). I suddenly discovered that I have an immature guy for a partner, who does not know and does not want to know how to be a good parent...

This is of course just one side of the story. I admit to being too focused on the child as opposed to husband/work/life; but as I feel I am slowly becoming more balanced, somehow H does not see this dynamic...or so it seems, as he gets more and more resentful and criticizing.
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