Reply to help remind me about being patient and understanding with husbands depression

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. THanks everyone for contributing to what I think is probably an important thread regarding the complexity of dealing with mental illness in any form from the perspective of the person married to the diagnosed one.

There has been an important development and though I dont know how much time I will have  right now to go into detail (DD is here and DH is out of town), I thought it was a good idea to share now so perhaps we can add it to the overall discussion that has developed regarding limits of tolerance and loving support, and the spectrum inbetween.

In a nutshell, DH said something completely obnoxious to me a few days ago, and it was a tipping point/blink moment for me. Over the next day and a half, I released on him in great detail exactly what I saw and what I had been dealing with for years now. That he has responses to things that are not those of an adult, that he projects his distorted view on situations, that he projects his interpretations on me, that he perception blames, thought blames, and the like. That he has skirted the issue of something very wrong with him for a long time and has used blaming me as a way of avoiding what is obvious. That I knew with utmost certainty that the problem here was not me, that I had come to this conclusion after many years of painstaking self examination of myself and all the facts. That as a 48 year old man he had somehow failed because of this avoidance to mature in certain ways critical to a marriage, and that he had reached the end of the line with me. That if he wants therapy, he needs individual therapy to address these things, that this is not and never ever has been a situation to which we equally contribute. That some of this nuts and bolts are not properly seated, and he knows it, and its never been a level playing field because of it. WHen he would protest at my anger with a "listen to how your talking to me" I replied with a Yes you listen closely to my anger, because you put it here with your anger problem, and your projection and your inability to be held accountable.

THe result? THe next day, he said to me that he had never actually put together until I said it that taking the medication matched the timing of the eliination of his rage episodes with getting in my face with a raised fist. That he could not actually see that he was not doing that anymore out of anything other than his will. That the fact that he could not actually tell there was a connection indicated that he has a chemical imbalance and it probably goes back a long way. That clearly he needs to take this medication and follow the advice of his new doc and take twice the does (actually the standard dose- he was undermedicated).

Well, that was all good and well. But I was skeptical. I mean, this is such a big mea culpa, that if he backtracked on the other mea culpas that were all "situational" why would he not back up on this huge one?

So I told him I needed to know if he is actually serious. Serious about being married. Serious about facing the scope and magnitude of what he had put me through. Serious about facing my anger, because after all the years of absorbing his imbalanced rage that he could not now expect me to not be angry at the drop of a hat. That I will try to work things out with him if he is absolutely serious, but please do not waste my time putting me through all this if he is just going to punk out on me yet again.

His response was that he really felt this imbalance went back as far as fourth grade, when his grades plummeted and his life turned upside down. That was probably the ADD kicking in. That certain members of his family, he is starting to realize, display imbalances as well. That he does not want to lose me, our family, and that he will do whatever it takes to turn this around.

So where I am now is: I believe he has made the critical step, after 20 years of marriage, to fess up to exactly what he  has going on. Of course it did get worse in recent years over stress and finances and etc, but from the start things were not right. From BEFORE the start things were not right. I literally began to suspect this only after we got married, when I saw the effects of stress on him as he worked hard to move his career forward. 20 long years later, I can tell you that at least it feels right to have the truth on my side and in the open. I had a long wait for him to come around and see this. I also need to state that he did NOT have these rage epsiodes early in our marriage- well he did, but they were very different. I may have said that before. He would get mad, but it was never personal to ME. And I could talk him down easily.

There is a long path ahead, but I now no longer feel alone. He is now with me on a certain level that he has never been. Its really about things being out in the open finally. I should also state that during all this he has been a kind and loving father. And clearly, he has been depressed in the more classic sense of low energy, loss of hope, etc. Its not all rage. So its complicated, but from where I stand its also easy to see how all these things blend together.

So, I said to him in a lighthearted moment "Youre tired of living the asshole lifestyle, are you?" And he got the humor. To give you an idea.

As he put it "Ive decided that I am experimenting with drugs" by which he means prescribed medication. This was a huge step to begin with, but now he is owning it like he never did before. A big step.

Anyone who has been here- hey, another member of the club.

I will update again as things develop. He has begun taking the proper dose and says he is hopeful. I kind of am too. I am allowing myself skepticism, because I know it all is going to take work and time and luck.

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful discussion and support.[/quote]

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