Reply to Mean relative. How does one handle this?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again. Someone asked what my mother thinks of all of this. It's a complicated answer. For one, my mother always negates trouble or unpleasantness, or brushes it aside. So she sort of has her head in the sand. Also, she wasn't the greatest mom, either, so I am not sure her judgment is the greatest. Finally, my mother lives for my father (completely dependent on him, he is her everything, more important than anyone or anything including herself), and my father, who is a selfish, money-loving narcissist, adores my BIL and sister because of their financial success.  So, since they are so important to my dad, and my dad is so important to my mom, she does not want to admit that there are problems here.[/quote]

What does your husband have to say about the situation?  Like some of the pps, you have my sympathy and I don't see any answer.  My concern, given the post above, is that you are falling into your mom's pattern of appeasing bad behavior in order not to risk rocking the boat or estrangement.  I don't think you have to cut them off, but I think that cutting them off (or getting cut off by them because you speak truthfully) needs to be an option that you consider.  Maybe as an outsider, your husband would have a clearer view of what to do.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you (and others) for expressing sympathy. We have struggled with what to do about this for years and we have not yet been able to come up with the solution. I am not sure that there is a 'right' solution. It is so hard. Also, my sister and BIL can be very nice people, and can be very loving with my kids (and theirs). I am not saying that this makes their bad behavior okay; I know that it doesn't. I am just saying that they aren't all bad all the time. It's a very gray situation.

My DH is as troubled by what we see as I am. We have never talked about cutting them off entirely. I will have to ask him what he thinks of this, because I am not sure. (One thing I haven't talked about much is the maltreatment of my niece by my sister. Last year when we visited, it was so bad that my DH privately confronted BIL about it. BIL acknowledged it, expressed regret over it, and confided that both my sister and he are in therapy, evidently trying to 'be better.')[/quote]

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