Reply to Now in our forties, why are many people around me just discovering the mistakes their parents made?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There’s just so much anger in them now that I struggle to relate when they share. They all seem to have had really good child and teen years. Male and Female friends. I sit with them thru tears and outbursts, some of them writing letters and emails to their parents to express their anger too.

How can I be a supportive friend?

I think for me that realizing those mistakes (mother chose an abusive, addicted partner to have a child with) and accepting that my now deceased father abandoned me is what was behind my angry teen years. I used to punch walls, scream, fight, everything you can imagine. Eating disorder and self harm (cutter).  I think it helped me to become well adjusted earlier than the close people around me just coming to terms in their forties.

How do I help them now at this stage? I want to be there but I do not feel that same passion for anger in my forties that I had in my teens. But it seems they feel that fury now that they did not back then.

[/quote]

A lot of people realize it when they become parents and their kids are the ages they were when they first realized what was going on. My husband was late 30's when his verbally abusive father turned towards our kids and it was like a major revelation for him. He always knew his dad was an abusive jerk but it didn't click just how bad it was until he saw it directed at his own kids. He went back to therapy (he had previously done it and had worked really hard since he was a teen to be nothing like his dad) and he uncovered a lot more about how his childhood had gone. It was like having kids made him see things through a different lens.

I'm not sure if it's better or worse to discover these things later in life (like you, I dealt with my mother's alcoholism when I was younger, not older) when you're more mature, or if it's better to deal with it when you're younger such that you've somewhat moved on from it by the time you have your own kids. Either way I think it's tough, and I think people probably appreciate that you are on the other side of it. You're a good friend to be there for your friends going through something you've already somewhat healed from.

I'm not sure if you have kids, but I sometimes have to dig deep and remember what it was like when that boy in middle school was mean to me in order to empathize with my kids because how I feel about it now, 30 years later, isn't going to help my kid when she's in the moment at age 12. So while you don't feel the same level of anger now in your 40's, your friends are somewhat reverting to their teenage selves when dealing with this stuff. Perhaps you can transport yourself back to that time (if you want to and need to) in order to realize that while you don't feel that way now, you did then.

Anyway, all that to say, I think you're a good friend and I hope your friends appreciate your support. I'm also sorry for what you went through. [/quote]

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