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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Only to share that Larlo will be absent, or arrange to pick up make up work, that kind of thing. I have never emailed about conflicts with other kids or someone being mean to Larlo, or Larlo being nervous about X project. I am giving him space to film figure those things out, though I do talk with him at home about them. Trying not to be a smothering parent and it is hard. [/quote]

It's hard to know when the conflicts between kids escalate to needing to loop the teacher in. I tend to take a hands off approach generally because (1) I trust the teachers, generally, and (2) I do want my kid to develop skills for handling these things on their own.

But sometimes things get more serious and it can be hard to know where the line is. Like I don't want to be dragging the teacher into some playground skirmish that the kids can resolve on their own, but I also don't want to ignore a problem the kids are NOT resolving until it gets really bad. It's easy to know when an academic concern needs attention (grades dip, scores are concerning, kid is clearly struggling with homework or keeping up in class). It's much, much harder to know when social or behavioral issues merit a conversation with the teacher and I wish there were better guidelines.[/quote]

This is so kid dependent and there are so many different scenarios that I’m not sure we can make any guidelines. My kid shares a lot with me so I am able to keep track of things that way, and then I generally wait until the fall conference in October. I ask “How is Sam doing socially? Do you notice he has been particularly close with any kids or…” and that’s the time the teacher usually comes and shares any concerns. Usually our info aligns, but if I have additional concerns I share them and ask the teacher to keep an eye.

Starting in 1st or 2nd we also talked about kid sized problems vs things you bring to a teacher. As the kids get older I think there are certain things you need to encourage kid to let roll of his back rather than be labeled a tattletale. Sad but true. There are always full grown adults who are jerks, and our kids will have to deal with them when they become adults too. [/quote]

It really is kid dependent because my kid's problem is that she won't go to a teacher with issues even when that is clearly what needs to happen. That is one reason why I might reach out to a teacher about an issue where another parent might not, because I know my kid won't be vocal about issues. We've had issues previously where my kid has been persistently targeted in an aggressive way by another student and we will tell her explicitly "please tell the teacher when this happens, it's important they know," and my kid just cannot bring herself to do so. I'll reach out and tell the teacher it's happening and they'll be like "we had no idea, we thought your child enjoyed playing with that child."

I have also had the problem of not being able to have productive conversations with teachers because they are clearly nervous about "discussing other students" with me. So in the scenario above, it was challenging because the teacher can't give you any info about the other student or even use the other student's name. So the conversation is like

Me: Hi, Larla has been having issues with Marla at recess -- Marla keeps pressuring Larla to play a physical game that Larla doesn't want to play and Larla has asked many times for Marla to leaver her out of it but Marla isn't getting the message. Can you check on them and just make sure Marla understands that if Larla says no, she needs to observe that boundary?

Teacher: I haven't noticed Larla having any issues at recess. I will reiterate to the class that boundaries should be respected and no means no. Anything else?

Me: Yes, can you just keep an eye on Larla and Marla and let me know if they are interacting a lot? If they stay apart no need to contact me but it would be useful to know if Larla is spending a lot of time with Marla so I can keep talking to her about setting boundaries or when to escalate to the teacher.

Teacher: I cant' really discuss what specific children are doing at school with a parent who is not their parent. I can let you know if Larla comes to me with any issues.

Me: Okay but what if she doesn't come to you? The issue is that she's been upset by this behavior and is sharing that with me at home but when I tell her to let the teacher know when his happens, she says she's too embarrassed to do so. I think it would be helpful if a teacher paid closer attention to this specific pair of students for a while so that we know boundaries between them are being respected.

Teacher: I'll remind Larla that she's always welcome to tell me or another teacher if she has a problem with ANY student. Anything else?

And round and round. It's frustrating. I don't think the teachers are doing it on purpose, this is clearly a school or district directive likely to avoid liability, but it's exhausting. Especially in situations where the other kids' parent might not be responsive or interested in addressing the issue so you are really stuck.

I hate this aspect of parenting.[/quote]

I’m a teacher. I’m not nervous about discussing another student with you; this isn’t about nerves. I simply won’t do it out of respect for my students. That, and it’s against school policy.

Change the perspective. If another parent asked specifically about your child, would you be comfortable with me sharing my thoughts with them?

No teacher is going to risk disciplinary action. And beyond that, it’s simply wrong to gossip with parents about students. [/quote]

What about the sample conversation indicates a parent attempting to gossip about students? The parent was not asking for the teacher to share their opinion on the other child, and certainly not to "gossip" about them. The parent was asking the teacher to acknowledge that the children in question exist and to agree to keep an eye on a specific dynamic between two specific kids to prevent it from escalating and to help the parent support their own kid at home.

I get why teachers talk like this, and yes it is because they are afraid of disciplinary action and they are in fact nervous to even mention the name of another child to the parent. But can you at least acknowledge that it makes it very hard to discuss behavioral issues? Like a parent should be able to say "my kid is having trouble getting along with [other kid] -- can you keep an eye on them and let me know if there's anything I can do to help my kid handle this better?" That's totally unproblematic.[/quote]

You are welcome to tell me that and I will look out for it in the classroom. But I will not be sharing any information about the other child with you. It’s that simple. And I will show you the same respect by not talking to other parents about your child.

Trust that your concern is being handled behind the scenes, but you aren’t going to hear the specifics about classroom discipline if another child is involved. That’s out of respect for all, and teachers must thread that needle. [/quote]

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