Reply to Help me solve this family relationship paradox

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Help me solve this family relationship paradox"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.[/quote]

OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents.  When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode.  Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.  [/quote]

OP, are you a parent yourself?  I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.

However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely.  Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore.  However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.

All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point.  My childhood is over.  She can't change it.  Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is.  It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers.  Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.  [/quote]

Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it.  Yes I have kids.  And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood.  But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed.  Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her?  No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".  [/quote]

No, because my cold Austrian mother would never show any emotion like that one way or another.  She can sort of play-act at being loving, with her friends, or with neighbors, for short periods around them. but when it comes down to it, she just doesn't have it in her.  Or she does, but it's an effort for her to show it, so she just doesn't.    Friends and neighbors comment on how lovely and pleasant and nice she is, and she is on the surface, but then once the audience is gone, she is just a pretty unemotional person who wants things the way she wants them and has a sort of script to how she thinks the day is going to go, like a school teacher, and she carries out that script without much emotion or without much back and forth discussion, again sort of like a school teacher.  Outwardly pleasant, but never going to budge from the plan and not going to respond emotionally to anything, good or bad, that her child throws at her that day.  A lot of "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way". or "well this is the plan for dinner and that's that" or "you sound angry but this is how we are going to spend the day" and so on.  Truly, like a teacher with her class of students- detached, keeping things moving, never cruel but also never particularly loving. I'm not sure she ever yelled.  She also never cried, or laughed joyfully with us, or even told us that she loved us. I'm sure she did love us, but I don't think it was in her nature to ever say it out loud.

She was like that as a parent and she continues to be like that as a grandparent.

But again- I take this info and I raise my own kids differently, and I don't see the point in rehashing any of this with my mom.  She is who she is.  My kids don't spend much time with her because she isn't really interested.  And that's fine. Probably better![/quote]

So as a parent your mother validated feelings (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) and set boundaries and asserted control as a parent (ie this is for dinner … )? But you are big mad she didn’t cry for you?

Are you… gentle parenting now or something?[/quote]

Of course not.  It's hard to describe correctly I guess, but imagine having a mother who had zero emotional response to anything you ever did or said.  No joyful laughter, no spontaneous hug with an "i love you", no "you did such an amazing job in the play, i was so proud of you!".   Also no "You're really irritating me right now- you need to stop". or "that tone of voice is rude- and you need to cut it out and speak politely".  Or "I'm really angry with you right now because you broke the rules again and i know you know better".   No emotion at all.  Like a third grade teacher who isn't emotionally invested in anything that's going on, but will keep the class running smoothly.  She was like a robot.  The "I'm sorry you feel that way" would be said with no eye contact as she didn't even stop what she was doing.  Little kids need some emotional connection, some emotional response, some sign that their mother is a living, breathing being and not just a detached robot who will keep them clean, fed, and housed but who doesn't have really any feelings towards them, good or bad.

Validating a kids feelings without emotion ("i'm sorry you feel that way") and setting boundaries and asserting control ("this is what is for dinner") is obviously good parenting.  But in the context of a parent who is also loving and, more importantly, RESPONSIVE to their child.  You can't be detached and pragmatic and teacher-like 100% of the time without ever showing that you can be responsive, and listen to, and care about, to what your kid wants and needs and feels and thinks.

Anyways I'm definitely not a gentle parent but I listen to my kids and care about what they have to say and show them that I, too, have feelings and emotions.  I'm still in charge of what's for dinner but, like, if they tell me every week how chili gives them a stomach ache, I'm not going to keep making chili every monday for the rest of their lives without discussion, like a cafeteria lady at school.  i'm going to listen to them and change things up at some point. because i'm not a robot. [/quote]

NP here.  You mentioned Austrian mother.  What year was she born?  I'm asking only because my German mother ('43) is only similar to my German friends' mothers who were born roughly the same timeframes and grew up in post war Germany.  Raised potentially by parents with PTSD.  [/quote]

She was born in ‘45!! But in the US, to parents who immigrated from Austria in the 30s right before WW2. So while her own environment growing up was post war America, her parents were traumatized from immigrating and then their family left behind being killed. I think her own parents were even colder and more detached than she was , honestly, so she probably did her best. [/quote]

Interesting.  My mother isn't cold or detached in the slightest, but the malnutrition she suffered from as an infant had an impact on brain structure in such a way that she has always had very disregulated eating and a very odd view about food in general.  This is pretty common in that generation.  I only realized this in graduate school when I (coincidentally) wound up on a study about infant malnutrition effects on hippocampal formation.
Anyway.....the fact that I managed to not get either body dysmorphia, or an eating disorder, or both is a miracle.  Although I did skirt the fine line with both back in the late 80s/early 90s.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics