Reply to Is it ever ok to ghost?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No it is not! I got ghosted back in February by someone who I had been friends with for 16 years! We even lived together for three years in college. Sometimes, I still wonder what the f*** happened. I wish she had told me why she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'd rather hear harsh words than be left wondering. [/quote]

Then you can handle the truth. Tom Cruise and so many others cannot. And quite frankly when you know you don’t want to move forward with the person what is the point of airing it out and resolving it? Is everything going to just go back to old times? Think about that…Maybe for them, but not for you…you will most likely remain bothered by whatever it is. Some things are better left unsaid. Sounds dysfunctional, but true in some cases.[/quote]

Nope. Still cowardly. Blaming other people's alleged inability to "handle the truth" for your inability to stand ten down and speak it is immature af.

(and "you're goddamn right I did!!!")[/quote]
Even though we disagree I still get where you are coming from and I understand your opinion (and the end of your reply made me laugh out loud). But you notice how you totally disregard and disrespect mine and other PPs that agree with the various reasons for ghosting someone? Thank you for proving the point. Why confront someone who refuses to understand and only sees their own perspective? What is to be gained from that?

With an increasing mental health crisis in the US, I think it is better to lower the temperature and let everyone involved have a moment of silence. What is wrong with that? Are people just entitled to your time just because they are ready to engage you?[/quote]

You make a lot of assumptions, as evidenced in your reply. It's not disrespectful to have a different position. If you want to take that personally, you can. I am one of the pp's saying ghosting could be an acceptable strategy to escape violence or abuse. That's not the same as assuming your friend/partner/person you're in relationship to "can't handle" hearing some mysterious reason you're not willing to articulate. It doesn't need to be a confrontation unless you're confrontational. You can simple tell someone "Larla, I've really enjoyed our time together, but this relationship isn't what I need in my life right now. I wish you the best."

Despite being somewhat confrontational in your reply, I'd guess (based on not much) that you're actually conflict averse/avoidant, like most people who choose ghosting as a means of ending relationships/connections. To justify it, most people project the responsibility onto the other party. "Larla couldn't handle the truth, so I never told her." That's cowardice, and I stand by my point.

Whether or not people are "entitled to your time", self-respect says YOU'RE entitled to your time and your position. Communicating like an adult is for YOU. far more than the other party.

"You're chickenshit. You're going to use what happened today as an excuse to give up."[/quote]

So verbal communication is the only form of communication that exists? Ghosting can be considered a new communication mechanism amongst other nonverbal modes. Like when someone angrily stares at you from a distance with a shirt that has FAFO on it. Is that a good time to approach and converse with them like an adult?

Many of us have been ghosted at least once in our lifetime (yeah including me and my conflict averse/avoidant self). When it happens, you read the room and reflect. Ok maybe I offended Larla by sliding into her husband’s DMs…or maybe she is going through something let me back off from being a pushy, overbearing “friend” and give her a chance to breathe and handle her divorce proceedings. If I check in with her later and she doesn’t respond, maybe she doesn’t want to be bothered…hmmm maybe because I f’d her husband?

I write this in jest because, 9 out of 10 times, we all have a pretty good idea why that person ghosted unless you have zero self awareness or you don’t know the person well enough. Please keep it real.

Sometimes their reason for disappearing has nothing to do with us or anything we did. Sometimes people are just prioritizing the things (like peace, if that’s ok) and the people that are number one in their lives. But because some people tend to feel entitled to have backstage access into the lives of others as a condition of the relationship, there is disappointment when they are suddenly unavailable. I get the hurt that comes from that, but when all is said and done I have to preserve and protect myself, period.

[/quote]

Maybe you'd "have to preserve and protect" yourself less if you were less of a gobshite? In your example, yes, there's an obvious wrong. But lots of people ghost just because they don't vibe or got bored or some other low-stakes reason. There's a fair bit of confusion left behind when one's ghosted (unless, you know, you're a total gobshite). There's also a lack of self-respect on the part of the ghoster. No, you don't need to confront someone who has blatantly wronged you, and this may fall under the "ghosting is okay in cases of abuse/danger" exception. But it's really okay to just say you're not feeling it, or that a relationship isn't meeting your needs anymore. When people ghost, they disrespect that part of themselves that deserves to be heard and validated, if only internally, by standing up for their own reality. This is why I called it cowardice.

You frame it as other people's entitlement to backstage access. I would ask why you put on such a show in your relationships that reality is kept behind-the-scenes in the first place. Kinda sounds like you're "preserving and protecting" a character, a mask, the illusion you're putting on... Kinda sounds like you don't actually want to be understood, which tracks. Sure, when ghosted, the ghostee is left little choice but to reflect and guess, which is a large part of where the pain comes from. The ghoster didn't respect them enough to tell them the truth. Thing is, they didn't respect themselves enough to tell the truth either, and I think, when you really break it down, that's the greater slight.[/quote]

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