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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I say this with kindness: You sound very anxious. Just as anxious as she does.

As the mother of an anxious person, I'm going to advise you to educate yourself on best practices with anxiety, and to then apply those practices with your DD... and yourself. CBT is amazing.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety

In a nutshell, your willingness to listen to her wring her hands about this every day feeds her anxiety, as do your attempts to solve this problem for her. Today when she calls to worry about this, you should say, "well, I know you'll figure it out. So what are you doing this afternoon?" And talk about other things, preferably things she's *doing.* If she can't focus on other things, tell her what *you* are doing. Just generally and gently be unwilling to perseverate with her on this. It seems ccounterintuitive, but it really does help tamp down anxiety to think less about the things that are bothering you. [/quote]

Me again: Tell her that when she is home for winter break, you will schedule time to discuss this and help her make a plan. No discussing until then. And when you help her with planning, it should be things like: when do you have to declare a major? Okay, that's the deadline. Until then, out different classes, make appointment at the career center, maybe see if there's a way to do some informational interviews, etc. Make a plan, actionable items, and set some interim deadlines for evaluating, seeing where she is, etc. Then when she starts agonizing, just say to her," are you following your plan?" If yes, she's doing what she can. Ask, "according to the plan, when are we supposed to meet to discuss things? OK, so not time yet. You're still gathering your evidence/info. Let's wait to discuss then. So, what else is going on?" And change the subject.

(My mid-20s DS with anxiety imagines a metal trash can in his head and he likes to direct his unhelpful thoughts there and mentally bang the lid closed, lol. So sometimes if he is agonizing about something he can't really do anything about at the moment, I say,  "that sounds like a thought for your trash can," and change the subject. It really helps.[/quote]

I am really anxious about it, that's true. I think in my dd's mind I am the trash can actually: she dumps it all on me. And it creates a lot of stress. I redirect as much as I can but I do listen first. My dh is better at it and just goes "mm-mm, that's nice, what did you eat for lunch?" and I am bad at it because it feels dismissive, even though it probably is healthier. I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.[/quote]

I understand, believe me. But the thing is, you can only be the trash can if you slam the lid down, like your DH is doing. Otherwise, you are not the trash can, you are in the muck with her, allowing her to churn on this and wind up the anxiety spiral.

I know that it feels dismissive, but you can do it gently and also I think that's kind of the point: The perseverating she is doing is not a good use of time and *should* be dismissed. Having dealt with my DS's anxiety for several years, I've really come to believe that one of the reasons young people are so anxious these days is that it's become common in parenting to listen too much to "silly" thoughts. I had a really loving, supportive mother, but she was a product of her times and she sometimes *was* dismissive: "Alright, enough nonsense!" "I've heard enough of this." "Time to stop complaining, go outside and get some fresh air." Today, this is frowned on, but I think that's wrong. CBT, which has the best success in treating anxiety, tells us that focusing on unhelpful and irrational negative thoughts feeds anxiety. So allowing her to talk and talk and talk about this is making her anxiety about it worse.

And note too: Engaging in these conversations is also making *your* anxiety worse as well. So you are feeding each other in a very negative way. A kind of co-dependency.

[quote]I guess I feel like it actually hugely matters for her to pick a major she likes and does well with, and the consequences can be great.[/quote]
Literally millions of college students pick a major every year, millions change their major, some like their major, some don't, and for many it doesn't matter much what they major in. What consequences are you worried about?[/quote]

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