Reply to Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

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Reply to "Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

[b]But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents. [/b]

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.   [/quote]
Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made. [/quote]

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?[/quote]

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas! [/quote]

Not so fast. "Doing less" is sometimes way harder than it looks, because *I* have standards for *myself* and want to enjoy Christmas in my home the way I want. I think OP needs to make a point and disinvite them. We're Dec 1st, for God's sake. They have 24 entire days to come up with something! Don't tell me that's not enough. My parents, who live on a different continent, have been celebrating Christmas on their own for years, because we visit each other in the summer, not in the winter. The in-laws can celebrate just the two of them, if they don't find someone else to invite or be with. It's not the end of the world.

I don't care at all that some may interpret that as an escalation. Why would OP get the blame for "escalating"? She didn't start this, but she can end it by refusing to play their stupid games. It's her house too, not just her husband's house. Refusing to host rude relatives is a RIGHT. And if they're mortally offended... that's their problem.

And to respond to PP, I would never make that sort of comment to my son and DIL. If I did, they would have every right to boot me out!!! Again, I have standards of behavior that I apply to everyone, including myself. 
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