Reply to Any shared insights / lessons learned on designing best-for-kids custody situations

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We've always done two weeknights with dad and one weekend night. Typically MWF or T/Th/Sat depending on the sports and other activities that season. Consistency is key so they know what to expect. We change it up seasonally if it makes sense - like if there's a late sports practice she typically stays with me due to the longer drive to dad's, or if he likes handling soccer, he'll have her for those practices and more games. If one of us has a scheduling issue, the other one fills in. [/quote]

NP in a high conflict divorce and wondering: were you always cooperative and able to flex custody like this, or was it an evolution? And if so, how did that play out?

My kids will definitely need a future scenario like the one you describe but I can’t imagine STBX being open to it.  [/quote]

DP. My ex and I are high conflict but only if there actually is conflict, if that makes sense. In other words if there is a trigger everything goes to h*ll but otherwise we can be cordial. There are a few subject matter areas that are totally toxic but other areas where we have little problem letting the other person “win.” So for me (and for him I think) neither of us hates the other enough not to say, be perfectly fine if ex wants to take kid for an extra day for an event, or if ex take two Thanksgivings in a row.

That said … for me this only works because I feel that the basic schedule is good for me and good for kid. If ex wanted to totally redo the schedule then I would have a hard time with that. but flexibility within the schedule has been no problem so far. 
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Also wanted to add … except for at the very beginning, we are both very reliable in keeping the schedule (other than when we flex) and there’s a lot of predictability. if one of us was unreliable or abusing the flexibility then I don’t think it would work. My kid also complained a lot at first about going to his other parent’s house but I was very careful not to fall for that or exploit it once I figured out it wasn’t really substantive. I think other types of high conflict parents could make a big deal out of that - but I don’t have it in me. that is to say, I think one key to flexibility (even if there is a lot of conflict) is both parents feeling like they are respected and being treated fairly. That doesn’t necessarily mean 50-50 though. [/quote]

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