Reply to Why the obsession over APs, spying and "catching" DH?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I keep seeing posts about keyboard loggers, voice activated recording, car tracking. If you don't trust your spouse why wouldn't you just divorce already? Why do you need "evidence" and how does that help you?[/quote]

Try to imagine: one day you suddenly feel something is wrong. You aren't sure what. You've been married 15 years and have three children and completely intertwined finances. You ask what's going on and he's evasive or his answers don't make sense.

Would your first move honestly be to go to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, or would your first move be to try to figure out what's happening? [/quote]

My first move, if I was smart, would be to a therapist to get help with the problem I noticed: my sense that something's wrong, my anxiety about the relationship, etc. If the issue is that I no longer trust my partner, my smartest self would simply validate that and then yes, divorce.

A LOT of people waste a lot of time, energy and resources "trying to figure it out". You may never figure it out, and you probably won't ever know the whole truth until/unless your partner wants to divulge it. What you can know, definitively, is that you no longer trust your partner, and that's enough to base a decision on.

Someone upthread posted about how women don't trust themselves, their intuition, etc. This is how you heal it. You stop requiring outside proof and learn to accept your own wisdom.[/quote]

Most of us are in therapy for the duration. It can take many avenues of support, and those differ by specific person and situation, to get through trauma. For me it included therapy, confiding in my mom and best friend, understanding the legal path out with my lawyer, and yes, finding proof to understand the siutation in it's entirety. If that looked different for you, I'm glad you also found something that worked for you.

My kids were very young and that gave me all sorts of additional considerations. Being the one to wave the flag of defeat on their family experience (even though it was not me who led us into that situation) was something I did not take lightly at all. I wanted to be able to face the day when my daughters are older and find out or ask the truth about what happened, that I could look them in the eyes and tell them I utilized all the information I had (including proof) to make the best decision of the shitty options I had. 
Additonal considerations were:
-How long and deep are these lies running? Can I trust a pathological liar to parent half the time?
-Will my kids be safe with him?
-Will my kids be safe if the OW is in the picture?
-Are there other things he's lying about that I need to know? Turns out there was also at least one prostitute on a business trip situation, depleting of a significant finance account, substance abuse, among other smaller things. I am forever grateful to have found all this out because it helped me make informed decisions for my kids safety and my own well being and stability in the untangling process.[/quote]

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