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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m 51, my mom is 88. She is getting ready to go into a transitional independent living – assisted living – skilled nursing facility near where 3 of my siblings live. It is past time – beginning signs of dementia, fall risk, etc. As expected, her emotions are all over the place. She knows it’s time and I cannot care for her, but she wants to stay at her apartment and keeps saying she won’t bother me anymore.  Every few weeks I am taking her to the ER for one issue or another. And most times her issues are dismissed because... she’s old. It is hard to diagnose causes of pain (my whole body is sore!), “wobbliness”, etc. when someone already has many underlying conditions (COPD, thyroid issues, kidney issues, compressed spinal cord, etc…). She falls, they do x-rays, but if nothing is broken, home she goes. I have been taking her out once a week for shopping over the last year – most Saturdays I spend with her. I take her to all her doctor appointments.  It has been exhausting. Add in the dementia… I need someone else to take over.
A co-worker (2nd generation child of Vietnamese immigrant) made a comment about how sad we dump our elders at a time they need us. She is old and confused, she should be taken care of by family. My cousin (a doctor) said a big move like this at an advanced age decreases life expectancy.
I work full time – no way I could stay home and take care of her. Plus I have 2 teenagers that I want to be there for. Running my mom around takes time away from my children.
Honestly, I don’t feel guilty, but I do feel sad for her. Her mom was in a transitional facility for her last few years.  I plan on moving into some sort of community that offers transitional care well before “it’s time”. I do not want to be a burden to my children.  
However, it is an interesting observation. I know “dumping” is the American way. It is also compounded by larger age gaps. If I was retired and my children grown, I may have been more willing to do more for longer.
Thoughts? Anyone else in this boat?
 
 [/quote]

My mom is 87 and I'm 55. My mom moved into independent living 5 minutes away from me at age 84 following a major depressive episode and health declines (during the covid isolation). She had been very independent, driving, doing all her cooking, etc. prior to this. Moving to independent living was a game changer for her - the social connections and provided meals and activities were game changers. All was great for 2 yrs or so though she is having further declines now. I cannot imagine having her living with me full time and honestly she has done far better in senior living than she was living with me for the 6 months before she moved in. I also have 2 teens that need me as much as my mom does. I see my mom almost daily and my 2 siblings each see her 1-2 times per week, so she gets a lot of family contact. She also has a group she dines with daily and sees at daily activities.

By contrast, when my mom's parents died, she was living a thousand miles away and only spoke to them maybe once a month. Both her parents died rather suddenly. She spent zero time doing anything resembling caring for them as they aged and never experienced the role-reversal we are doing through right now, where her children are now in the parenting role. I'm at the maximum level of caring I can do while retaining my sanity. I'm working to have enough retirement savings to live in a high quality senior living facility and not be a terrible burden to my family. Don't feel guilty about the next steps. Becoming a martyr isn't going to help your mother live longer and it's really important to have as much time with your children as possible. I also think it isn't helpful to compare your level of sacrifice with others who literally had no choice but to become their parents' 24/7 caregivers.[/quote]

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