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[quote=Anonymous]I have a brother and sister, both younger and both of whom struggle (and have for decades) with addiction and mental illness. (And we have a lot of those struggles in our family tree across generations.)

In my 50's I finally decided I was done trying to help, believing this rehab stint would be different, believing the outlandish awful tales of hardship (only to discover they weren't true), racing to the hospital for the latest dramatic life threatening rare illness (that turned out to be alcohol withdrawal), fielding requests for money, listening to all the ways in which I was failing them/a terrible person/didn't care/so terribly missed and needed/the only one who could help/the root of all their problems.....

I have been in therapy for 6 years, have gone very low contact with both of them, and have had to block my sister's husband from contacting me after he was vile and threatening for the umpteenth time.

Sadly, this also means that my kids are not in touch with their cousin. That is very difficult. But they are also not exposed to the craziness, the scariness, the anger, the nonfunctionality, and on and on... I can draw and maintain boundaries for them much more easily than for myself.

I am so much calmer and healthier without the roller coaster of my siblings' struggles. I am a better wife and mother, and my whole life is improved when I can manage not to engage. None of my efforts to help, over decades, actually made a difference anyway, so at least now I'm in better shape for those for whom I really can be useful.

It is so incredibly hard. Not a day goes by that I don't feel conflicted, worry about them, wish things were different, etc. But I do finally see that unless and until they really want things to change I'm powerless to help.

And I hold out hope that they will find their way out of the fog - that one of the rehabs will click, that something will turn around, and that one day I can rebuild a healthy adult relationship with them. I won't give that hope up as long as they're alive.

Without question, the help of an excellent therapist has been transformative for me, but also - finding a way to connect with others who know these challenges is invaluable. Friends who have experienced this and have needed to set boundaries will understand how hard that it. Organizations like Al-Anon or ACOA are wonderful resources also.

So maybe you can find a resource or two to help you manage this OP. There are no magic answers. What is best for you? What is best for your kids? Honest answers to those questions may give you a place to start.

Trust your gut, even if it's unpleasant or others make you feel guilty.

Good luck.

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