Reply to Help me learn what to think during major tantrums

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I mostly think “ugh, this is so annoying, I wish she wouldn’t do this.” [/quote]

This is a simple response but actually a great one. Because you can see how this parent is not internalizing the child's behavior or mental state. This PP is acknowledging that the moment is hard -- "this is so annoying" -- and that this is a behavior her DD should stop, but there's not moralizing about how her DD must be a "bad kid" or she must be a "bad mom" for this to be happening. It's just matter of fact.

I also want to note that I think the comments about how the child must have ADHD or another SN to be unproductive on this particular thread. Not because it's impossible that's the case -- who knows, maybe. But because OP's issue is not that her child has meltdowns. It's that OP's response to meltdowns is unproductive and dysfunctional. The PP above also has a kid who has meltdowns. But the PP's response is just to acknowledge that it sucks and then move on. OP's response is to internalize the meltdown and view it as a verdict on her parenting or on her child's value as a person. Regardless of whether SNs exist, the PP's response is going to help a parent deal with the situation better than OP's response.

So then the problem is how to help OP stop with her dysfunctional thought process and adopt a more productive thought process like PP. That's something that has to happen internally for OP and is totally independent of whether her DD has SNs.[/quote]

I’m the PP and I want to clarify that I do sometimes get pretty annoyed, but never to the point of being physically rough or saying something cruel. (I do sometimes raise my voice!) OP mentioned that she is like this and so is her mom, I wonder how many of these patterns are things she picked up from her childhood and her mother’s response to her own behavior. The things I find most challenging in my children are things I share.[/quote]

PP and that is so true, I am the same way. There is nothing like parenting your kid through a challenge you also have. I really relate to OP's comment that her kid is emotional and has big-feelings, and that OP is also like this. I got yelled at a lot as a child for crying, for instance, and that's come up for me when I have a kid who is crying and being inconsolable. I also used to get yelled at for complaining that I was bored, so that one is a major trigger for me.

But I think knowing your triggers and working through how you feel your parents handled that stuff when you were a kid (and whether their response actually helped you get better, which in my case it didn't -- I think their yelling made it worse) can make it easier to change that pattern with your own kid when those behaviors come up.[/quote]

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