Reply to Mingling funds and prenup

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You might want to move to the money or relationship forum.

If you point out it voids the prenup and they were to say “oh well, I guess that’s what it will take” then you’re still stuck with paying marital funds that it sounds like you can’t really afford. Could you start with that conversation with your husband?

Our family sold our multigenerational home 4 years ago and it was painful but financially necessary. [/quote]

I came from  a family that had an emotionally precious summer-only large home.  There were no pre-nups about it.  Eventually my father and his brother sold it.  It's been gone for 24 years.

My sister and I went there every summer for our entire childhood.  The sale is a psychic wound for my father and sister.  That impacts my mother.  I am regretful but our family couldn't have afforded it in our generation.  It's been sold twice and the price is about 40% of my net worth for a house with spring water, 30 minutes from a grocery store and hospital, that's not winterized.  And I get max 4 weeks of vacation in summer.

OP, you might want to read a book called "The Big House" by George Howe Colt.  It describes how special this kind of place can be.

I don't think you should be offended by the pre-nup. Because they were just trying to prevent a forced sale or an unpleasant time sharing agreement up-front.  That makes emotional sense to me because these places are psychically irreplaceable.

But I agree you should inform your DH that the pre-nup is voided if your marital money goes into the property.

The economics of this place are likely such that it will have to be sold.  And then the profits need to flow back to your DH.  At that point, there's really no emotional logic in keeping that money his alone.  They need to cut you in if you have to contribute.

How bad was it for my family?  My sister booked a vacation in another state at a lake house on a same name lake.  Think "Lake Smith".  I went on the vacation but it was a crappy lake and I told her it was upsetting rather than a fun coincidence and never to book there again.

Please try to have some understanding for your husband.  Just writing this is making me sad.  The one thing that's true about these money pits is that they might be the only home that someone's had for their entire life.  When my dad sold ours, he got four years of one free week stay written into the deal.  So the last year, I went and got to stay in "my house" as redecorated with furnishings formerly owned by my family moved around plus random new owner decor.  It was so weird, I stayed only 2 days and then left.

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This is OP. This is very close to this situation. They spent their childhood summers here, plus add a tragic parent death which makes any conversation about cost benefit analysis of keeping it in the family a minefield.

I wish we could throw money at it because I would love to.buy myself out of drama. But we have 5 more years of college tuition and no extra money until that is done.

I have received great food for thought- thanks to all who provided insights.[/quote]

Then this is truly stealing from you.

Sorry, but there’s no way around that fact. Your husband’s family has no issue involving lawyers to keep their assets legally away from you. It’s time for you to say “this isn’t personal, I have to protect myself” line.

Is this cabin worth giving up fubds that would have gone to your children’s college education?

Are you going to sacrifice all vacations for the next ten years to barely keep it afloat?

This is an issue that you need to force NOW.

After your husband spends 15,000, then there’s sunk cost fallacy and stealing from you becomes the new normal. Before you know it, he secretly stops contributing to retirement to pay for a new roof, or electrical and you’ve sunk $100,000 of marital money into a money pit. Then there’s no other option except forcing your kids to take out student loans to cover college. YOU will be paying the price, be it through quality of life decreases or splitting your retirement account with your husband when you finally can’t take it anymore and divorce.

You should quietly see a lawyer about this situation. Then schedule a couple’s counseling session for the two of you to come up with a solution. You writing a blank check and giving up your financial security to avoid an emotional conversation is not an option. You said so yourself, you can’t afford this.

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